"What have I done?" is the type of thought that has been haunting me. Today, the strange limbo in which I seemed to have fallen into in recent weeks finally cut me loose. And what a drop it was. I got to realise in insight that the likely reason why my job's HR department refused to acknowledge my resignation for so long was because they thought I might change my mind. I felt it, these past couple weeks - I felt that strange option hanging over me like a ghost. It drove me nuts with doubt, too. Whatever reasons and rationale I had for leaving, it was all put into question to the point where I no longer knew why I really wanted to leave in the first place.

You know me, always analysing every thought and feeling, trying so hard to make the 'right' choice according to the best odds and most likely outcomes. I ended up doing this so much with my decision to leave that yes, it blurred absolutely everything. It also led me to realise that no matter how much I try to compute all the 'data' available, and no matter how much I try to stick to reason, it just never leads to the perfect solution. Or perhaps it does, but while you're making it you can never be sure.

I'm not sure what I've just thrown away in the wind, but it does feel like I've put myself in a position of major turning point. What I mean by that is simple: it's a choice I've made major enough to have me wonder sometime down the line how 'different' things would have been if I had made the opposite choice (ie. stick with the job). What I'll only be able to know in time is whether I'll look back in wonder in a positive or negative light. With relief, or with regret.

I just couldn't go back on my decision... It is so hard for my person to make ANY decision at all in the first place... to go back on it would be like defeating the whole point, as strange as that may sound. And it's not like I'm sure of the rationale of that decision anymore... the more I think about it, the more I feel like slapping myself, in a way. But only part of me feels like that. The other is embracing the unknown factor. It keeps telling me that I have to learn to live with the decisions I make and that in the grand scheme of things it is truly nothing. It is only society pushing the false belief that one must strive for a career - yet a career means entrapment. There would never be a 'right' time to get out. There would never be enough. It would feel safe for sure, and it would give me the impression of 'going somewhere' - but it would require my whole focus... and I cannot give that. Not if I have a choice.

Perhaps I'm pulling off a Santiago. Leaving behind what felt like good enough to stubbornly continue my quest towards the real treasure. In any case, nobody ever stressed enough how hard that was.