Diving into the Void

Florence + the Machine, Seven Devils

I found it hard to sleep last night, and when I finally did I slipped into a dreamless slumber.

So many questions twirling inside my head... so many conflicting thoughts and emotions... 'Tis my good old ego moulded by society fighting like a wounded, rabid dog against the other side of I. The dreamer... no, the idealist.

Shit. I'd been under the impression that my idealism had died under the sheer weight of becoming a 'realist'. I got that very wrong. It's just as they say: a leopard can't change its spots.

The trouble with having to give notice before you quit a job is just that: having to give notice, meaning that you have to stay and endure the very place you decided to quit. You're already half-way gone and yet you have to continue being fully there for another period of time. That period of time is proving a real brain killer in terms of how much it leaves you at the mercy of questioning your resolve. You're just not allowed a 'clean' break. It has to be a slow, painful death of the relationship, if you like, leaving oozing pus to shoot free from the wounds. Except you can hardly let that be noticed by others, unless you don't mind 'burning a few bridges'.

I've quit a few jobs in my life before but what's different this time is the degree of repercussions my decision could have in the long run. Quitting my part-time, student job was definitely not the same as quitting my current job because the latter was a first step on the career ladder. And my ego liked it. It felt safe, strange, 'normal' - because that's what society tells you is the right thing to do. I better understand now why social status plays such a big role in human life, and I experienced for myself the power it can hold over us. Even just to have a freaking title.  To have things sort of planned out right in front of you, a sense of direction that aims to go upward in terms of social status. These things can have a powerful grip on us all.

And because I know my ego liked it, I could have stayed there and continued on the career path. I know I would have. I know my ego too much now to even doubt it. The fact that I happened to have a natural talent for the job made it all the more exciting - the sky was my limit, I would go far. But then Life always butts in and puts in my way a certain type of people - always the same - that I never learned to deal with the right way.

As I started taking over some of what my boss used to do himself, he felt increasingly threatened and literally started undermining me every time he got an occasion. I may be naturally talented, but I don't have the experience nor the 'political' clout he has gained in the many years he has worked in the industry. And I'm not  a married, middle-aged man with a mortgage to pay who can so easily relate to so many contacts in the business who just happen to be mostly mature men. I'm just this unattached young woman with a brain.

I actually realised all this during a trip my boss's boss sent me to - in place of my boss. The man really went out of his way to sabotage the opportunity I was given, but what really became a deal-breaker was when I was made aware by contacts that he was talking behind my back. To contacts. He was no longer just an asshole in the office, he was taking it to the next stage - slowly cutting me off the very source of what my job is all about: contacts.

I could have applied for another position within the company. That was an option I'd considered for the last 6 months. But he'd also been hard at work destroying my person among colleagues. And between his ability to joke all the time and play Mr Nice Guy and my awkward social skills it's no wonder everyone should believe his word over mine no matter how much I tried to open up to others and 'make friends'.

Around 10 days ago I just thought: "Fuck it, I'm leaving." And so I did. It was the most satisfying and relief-loaded feeling in a long time... but it was short-lived. As soon as the dust set in I was left with all the endless questioning as I stared at the shattered pieces of my 'career'.

My ego is reeling, but the other side of I is jumping for joy, yet I'm afraid, very afraid, of that other side. That side is just too rough, messy, disorganised, lost in a fantasy world... and I keep trying to reassure myself that the key is to merge what my ego has learned with that other side of I... to make it something better than anything I've ever been so far.

All in all, I've taken a leap of faith and I have no idea where it'll lead me. I know only one thing: I can't revert back to the way I was before I had this job. I just can't. If I did, it would be a catastrophe.

Taking a leap of faith is the scariest thing... staring deep into the unknown... and trusting that your steps will take you where you ought to be going.