Echoes and Mirrors

What if we lived in a world of mirrors? What if everything we ever thought, said and did was but reflections bouncing off from one mirror to the next? What if Reality was just that - echoes and mirror reflections we take as the real deal?

I utter a word, and that word will somehow be echoed back at me. I make a step, and that step will be reflected in someone else's step. My thoughts, so unique and personal to me, are echoed silently in the heads of many, who, just like me, believe their thoughts so unique and personal to them.

When I see someone stand before me - is it them that I see, or a reflection of I? The emotions awakened by our environment, its people and things, are constant triggers and though we are mostly trapped in reactive patterns I have to wonder. Am I seeing what I see, or am I staring at reflections of myself over and over again wherever I look? Would I be able to feel anything - would I ever be triggered in any way at all, be it in thought, emotion or action - if what triggers me in the first place (environment) wasn't showing me something more than what just seems to 'be'? Am I therefore reacting to the reality of my environment and its people, or am I in fact always only reacting to the reflections of I bouncing back from that very environment and its people?

A world of mirrors and echoes... in the midst of it all we must believe it is real. We can only be made to believe in the reality we are presented with. Till the mirror crack'd.

O Time, Time, why didn't you let me know

That to be human meant to die

Sourcing Fears

There is a scene in Star Wars' The Empire Strikes Back that depicts a young Luke Skywalker being trained by Yoda on the most desolate and hostile looking planet there could ever be. At some point Yoda makes a comment about how the young man is always looking into the future instead of taking account of what he's doing in the present.

Yoda: "This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless."
(Starwars episode V:The Empire Strikes Back) 


I seem to suffer from the same predicament, except it never seemed so obvious to me. I always thought that I was focusing on the present, on what I was doing in the now, but action in reality is showing me the true extent of the picture and... I've always been lost ahead in the distance.

I know this for a fact because it hit me this morning on my way to work... There I was, walking down the street and thinking that I was really about to quit, and I felt this intense wave of fear wash over me at once. At once I tried to dig deeper within myself to find out the source of that intense fear, and the source of that fear - once found - told me everything. Well, at least some things.

The fear had very little to do with the action I was about to take, you see. The fear stemmed from imagining ahead - the consequences that might unfold as a result of that action.

"Damn conditioned mind, stop trying to come up with all the possible consequences that may or may not unfold as a result of the action I'm about to take..." I thought to myself.

When it comes to jobs it's become almost impossible not to be infected with this intense obsession of looking ahead into the future because society itself, or its system, wires most of us that way. It basically brainwashes us to associate work with wages, the latter being further linked to survival. Add to that how it entices us into lifestyles that require more and more enslaving into that vicious circle and that's it, you're pretty much done for. No matter how many times a day you'll find yourself wishing things were different, or that you were doing something different - whatever it is you find yourself moaning about - you will remain stuck in your condition because the Fear will kick in almost at once.

The Fear... the one that prompts your conditioned mind to instantly look ahead and worry about what might or might not happen if, say, you quit your job.

It all starts from a young age, really. Remember how teachers and parents would always warn you that if you didn't do well at school you'd have a crappy life/fail later in life? From that moment on, the seed is planted - we start contemplating ahead and the Fear only keeps growing from there. We become human beings trapped in the illusion that we have something to lose.

True freedom lies in having nothing to lose - true autonomy, independence, freedom of both mind and body, you name it. There is nothing that can taint you at that stage, but I know that's not a stage that can be reached at the drop of a hat.

Of course that links back to this famous notion of attachment, but the world is awash with different views or definitions of what it means and entails.

In the midst of all these thoughts that danced in my head today I couldn't shake the somewhat shocking realisation that I had been suffering from the same predicament as almost everyone else out there. That's a sobering thought.

It also changes the rules of the game for me. Challenging as this may be, I have to keep going in a direction that's pretty much akin to feeling my way in the dark - but maybe that's the whole point. Maybe that's exactly what I need, because it scares me, and if it scares me then I must be on to something real at last.

The Truth of I

To the heart within that bleeds,

Beating against a twisted chest

From sorrows unknown, the unrest

That lingers, like ghostly deeds

No longer remembered;

Did I not care for your pain,

As my hands, trembling, sought release

Even beyond the mind’s own disease?

What is the purpose of your reign,

Beside the agony left in your wake?

Bleeding worm that you are, writhing

Your way through the world’s veneer,

Trusting your hopes and longings so near,

Till the apex is reached… and nothing. 

‘Tis the reason you cry at night,

Sobbing like a child

Holding her blanket so tight,

Watching your own blood defiled

By the hounds of Man.

I walk this Earth wondering everyday who I am. Every time my mouth makes a sound, I wonder who really emitted that sound - was it really me, or a lifetime of conditioning?

My mind is racing at 200 miles an hour... sometimes it's hard even for me to keep up. Within myself there certainly is a duality. It transpires in all my writings if one ever paid close enough attention to it.

As I walked in and out of the office today I realised more concretely why I always tend to feel as though I'm stuck on the other side of a glass wall when it comes to dealing with others. It is because I do not feel fully 'awake'. I actually do not feel fully awake in this very life. It may sound very 'Matrix' like, but the blunt truth is that at some point I must have gone too far in my thinking and now going back to 'living' just like everyone else is impossible... because I just don't feel truly awake. 

How to describe it... It's like your mind can see way too many repetitive patterns everywhere, except you're not really 'seeing' them, it's more like sensing them everywhere because your mind is able to keep a tab on it all. And in the end I have to conclude: this life is an illusion.

An illusion, yes, but perhaps not a pointless one. Ultimately, life is life - but the illusion of life... then that hints at an intelligent entity having to exist to even come up with an 'illusion' of what just is in the first place.

And this is where I stand. I do not believe that this life is 'real'. It does not feel real at all. More like a half-awake dream, and every time I meet people in real life I have to make an increasing effort to remind myself to play the game - to make myself believe that maybe it's real.

Contemplations

Lost in a sea of thoughts... listening to Celtic music and plagued with the sight of double digit numbers almost every single time I inadvertently look at the time this past week or so. You know, 18:18, 12:12, 15:15 and the likes - never when I purposely aim to check the time, though. Today there was even a 13:13 but I bet now I'm talking about it means I've already paid too much attention to it and it will stop. I don't mind either way, I just found the occurrence funny.

I've been in a contemplative mood all day long, it seems. It's not such a recurrent state of mind for me for I'm mostly pensive and introspective in general, leaving me more prone to mood swings depending on where my thoughts are at when I have to interact with others. Yes, when I have to. I'm so... mercurial in essence. Today the contemplative state made me calmer, more laid-back and therefore 'nicer' a person to be around, although just as withdrawn from people I can't relate to as ever. It opened the doors to my imagination, too, and I found myself missing the writing of stories.

It's funny what the world can do to you. I am reminded of its complexities everyday and sometimes I find myself wishing I had a time machine to get back to the very beginning of human history just to see what the human world was like in its most basic state. And from there travel back forward in time to observe the subtle layers of complexities added along the way that go hand in hand with the acquirement of knowledge.

Leibniz's 'best of possible worlds' theory is based on the idea that the world in which we live is the best of all possible worlds, which makes for a somewhat fascinating theory to delve in and logically destroy - which is exactly what Voltaire did in Candide. Yet in today's world it seems a lot of people are actually convinced we do live in the best of possible worlds. Why? I'm not sure, I suppose a lot of factors lead people to follow that Leibniz-like line of thoughts. Confusing self-fulfilment in life with material gain is one reason, the fact that making yourself believe that 'things are the best they could be, really' can make you feel 'better' and less guilty about the fact that you play a direct part in the mess is another. Growing apathy in general...

So we live in a world where the majority of people actually believe that we live in the best of possible worlds and that today's outcome - or tomorrow's- could never be escaped because everything that we have done, are doing and will do is just the best we could possibly do because, hey we're human and flawed etc. Ironic that Leibniz' theory was debased and rejected especially since it takes root in theism, and yet in today's 'godless' society we still follow the same (lack of) logic.

Thinking about how indecisive I am led me to wonder as to why exactly I was - meaning, really, the mind process that leads me to a state of constant indecision. Focusing inwardly and sort of 'observing' how my thoughts unfold 'inside' I realise that I'm always analysing and computing all possible outcomes departing from one possible choice. I kid you not, I do it all the time. A choice presents itself to me and my mind engages in all sorts of mental gymnastics intent on processing all possible permutations and combinations that may unfold as a result of making a particular choice.

That's a lot of data and possible future permutations to handle, usually in a short amount of time as required by a fast-paced modern way of life. And why do I do that, beside the fact that I have the mind power to? because I'm also a perfectionist with an intense fear of failure - and that very combination of a powerful thought process along with that perfectionism and fear of failure all culminate into waste in the end because it leads more often than not to a state of endless ruminations, procrastination and ultimately lack of action.

This morning as I got out of bed and glanced at the pouring rain outside my window, I thought: "Aliska, drop it already. Just make decisions and live with it. Live with the possible wrongs and mistakes you'll surely make along the way - but unless you make choices, no matter how bad they turn out to be, you will never really learn while alive on this realm. You'll be hiding behind the illusion of knowing yourself in theory by hiding in non-action and lack of decision-making of your own volition, and that would ultimately say nothing about who you really are as a person in the world, or what you're really made of beyond your own imaginary conception of who you are (Ego). You cannot get away from that truth."

As freeing as these thoughts may have been for a moment, it's left me with a rather unnerving feel in the pit of my stomach.

Not the same

Only three weeks ago it was as though I was somebody else. Well, it was me, only less restrained and... freer. It was as though I was finally getting to be myself, and my whole person was radiant, confident, open and outgoing despite the constant stress of work... and the strangers I met... well, it felt as though we'd always known one another. And then I had to get back to this side of the world and the same old suffocating feeling wrapped itself around me at once. And at once I reverted back to a ghost with no purpose, no care, nothing.

I miss the humid heat, how it makes my hair curl as it falls heavily down my back and sticks to my neck in a sweat.

The stagnation in which I'm immersed over here feels like a sickness of the soul. How can you feel so sick in one part of the world and yet so alive in the other? Is it just my imagination or is there more to it?

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of indifference and greed. There are so many people all around me, but they might as well be made of wood. They might as well not be real.

An old colleague of mine used to say her indecisiveness was the symptom of a diseased soul and the only way to make it better was to stop questioning things too much. As soon as she followed that advice she quit her job and agreed to get into an arranged marriage. I am not sure that was the right cure, but there you go.

And I'm bored. Society hasn't changed much throughout the centuries. Sure, we tend to get married later in life nowadays, but all it really means is that babies have old people for parents more often than not. And these 'oldies' for parents are often obsessed with juggling a career too.

What fascinates me is older women - as in over 30 - having kids. They'll parade their newborns on social networks as though they were the first women in the whole world to have children. And then they'll call the child 'my little pie' or 'my sweet princess' or whatever. It always makes me wonder if they even realise that this child is really a person separate from them who will develop a mind of their own. Historically speaking, it's not hard to see that most of the time parents tend to forget it and then spend a painful amount of time trying to 'mould' their own kids into what they want them to be. It rarely works, but it explains why most people in the world are fucked up in some way. It always goes back to childhood, eh. 

Anyway... I am so indecisive. I need to stop overthinking and just make a decision - and live with it.

I feel so broken these days. They say life would be empty without the presence of other people, but it seems to me the only reason we tend to suffer so much is because of others. People. Most of us are so warped up inside our own heads - and yes, that's not just me - that we grow into chronic, self-centred selfishness personified.

Add to that the appeal of materiality, that of striving towards amassing always more - money, goods, food, a higher status, etc... and when I look around all I see is the equivalent of a parched desert no matter how much the lights of the city may glitter in the night.

So I have no heart, or rather it is the size of a tiny prune - but in a world that is itself unable to grow the true capacity for love, how could I ever learn?

I'm actually starting to suspect I do have a heart - and it is big. And that's because it's big in the middle of a desert that it hurts so much.

I went to meet my friend last night. We don't get to see each other that often anymore... More often than not she sticks with her family when she's not working long hours. She's picked up the bad habit of running late all the time, and it's something I see with a lot of other people as well. They just lose their ability to be punctual. I haven't, so it always strikes me as odd to see that so many people just don't care enough to be on time anymore.

I'd just left the house and was on my way to the bus stop when I received her first text, saying she would be 15 minutes late. I shrugged, I wasn't in a hurry. I arrived at our rendez-vous point five minutes earlier, so I took a stroll down the busy street, gazing at the shop windows with a vacant look about me. It took another 20 minutes before she finally arrived, and at that point I wondered if it wasn't her way of making me understand she doesn't care about me. I refused to let the sour thought get the better of me - she is one of very few friends I have at all, and I found myself thinking: "I don't care how long you make me wait, I don't care that it's raining and cold, I don't care that I have to wait. Just come."

Finally, she arrived - dazzling and full of life. What a beautiful friend I have, I thought for a second, so at ease in the world... when did that happen? "We're drifting apart..." The thought struck me like a wrecking ball at once.

As we sat inside a lively Brazilian bar with some fancy cocktails, we had much to discuss. We hadn't seen each other in a month, and in that month I'd gone away to Asia, and she wanted to know everything about it, so I did most of the talking for a while. I asked her for some worldly, practical advice about my job, knowing that she was far more knowledgeable within the realm of social conduct than I could ever dream to be. At some point I even took notes of what she was advising me to say in particular situations. To my surprise, she didn't find it odd, and even when I grumbled: "Look at me, so clueless," she shook her head and replied: "You're not clueless, Aliska."

Aren't I? I need to take notes from more socially aware people to know what or how I'm supposed to react.

My problem is that I'm the avoidant type, as a direct result of past traumas in life. I avoid confrontation like the plague, remaining 'nice' and 'fair' instead. But here's what I've learned about most people in this world: they may be adults, but you have to treat them the same way a parent needs to discipline their kids. Tough love, so to speak. Unless you treat adults around you with a firm hand, they will push their luck and try hard to dominate or take advantage of you just like CHILDREN.

Who are the kids and who are the adults in this world? What does 'adult' even mean? At least with children you still get raw honesty, which is something that disappears swiftly with most people as they grow older. The skills they seem to replace honesty with would be the art of scheming and hypocrisy - for a profit. Always for a profit.

Anyway... I can feel that I've entered a new phase in my existence, one that's going to last quite a few years - renewed social isolation and alienation. Solitude.

Interlude

I remember - do you?

Yes, I remember.

I remember the sweet scent of summer

When all the trees are bare - wait,

I meant  to say winter.

I remember the scent of death,

Before the rain of life,

Before the breath of Man,

I remember breathing the scent

Of Time, of flavours past,

The everlasting song

Of burning flowers in the sky,

The ones they call sunlight.

I remember - do you?

I do.

I remember the taste of empty shells

Rolling down across the shore,

And your skin, like sandpaper

Made my own bleed silently.

And then the wind was howling

Whispers in my ears,

Screaming at your face,

It was winter in summer.

I remember - do you?

I do.

Back to Reality

It's hard for me to believe that a mere few days ago I was wandering up and down the streets of the Far East's city of lights... Dazzled, stressed but most of all bemused.

The humid heat hit me as soon as I stepped out of the airport - like the heat of an oven wrapping itself around me at once. I stumbled forward, dazed and confused, looking around me with blinking eyes. A few moments later I could feel droplets of sweat rolling down my back, but already my whole being was embracing the uncanny climate. I swapped the shoes for a pair of cheap flip flops bought in one of those massive stores that never seem to close for the night. And from then on began my express trip into the unknown.

Though days are only made of 24 hours, this past week turned out so packed with events and unexpected turns that it left me feeling as though I've somehow spent a lifetime there. As I rushed from one meeting to the next, hailing one cab after another to get me places faster, my mind was overwhelmed by the incredible weight of sensory overload. Sounds, smells, sights... all of it hitting me like unrelenting waves, leaving me dazzled and at loss for words.

And it was during that trip that I fully realised the beauty of meeting strangers. Strangers in the night, unexpected helping hands, conversations born out of the unknown... I thought: "So long as I don't need to create deeper bonds with others, I can actually manage it well..." I am a 'good' stranger, but no one should ever try and get to know me better. Like the brightest of flames, I would burn the curious moth.

Strangers... they appeared in my wake just at the right time, each time. As I ran up and down the streets in search of my hotel to grab my suitcase and dash back to the airport for my next flight, the intense heat and lack of water in my body hit me like a rock on the head... Panting and feeling like a ball of fire about to implode, I pushed my way through the midday crowds invading the streets like a rising human tide, unable to find my way back to that darn hotel. Panic seeped further into me as I looked at the time - I had less than 2 hours left to get to the airport and check in. I remember stopping in my tracks, feeling as though I was suddenly stuck in some sort of fast-forwarded movie... the crowds, the intense heat weighing on me, the glare of the sun in my eyes, the fuming cars all around in the midst of tall skyscrapers... I blinked and saw that a cab was waiting, idle, on the side of the street. I dashed in its direction, and without even asking whether I could or not, I slipped in the back of the car and said: "To that hotel, as fast as you can, please."

A few moments later, I had finally arrived at the main station to take the express train back to the airport, and that was when I realised that I didn't even know which terminal my flight was on. I got up from my seat inside the train, looking around as yet another wave of panic crashed against me. I meekly asked a group of Asian travellers if they knew which terminal my flight was on... they shrugged, uncertain. And then a young man waved a hand and said: "That's my flight too. We need to go to Terminal 1." I stared at him for a moment in silent relief and before I knew it we were making our way inside the terminal together, with him as my unexpected white knight in shinning armour.

As I followed him around and he took care to lead me to all the right places, the panic waned, leaving in its wake an intense wave of relief. We still had some time before the flight, and so we decided to have something to eat and as we sat there eating our pork burgers, we started chatting away like old friends. After another moment, I realised we didn't even know each other's names. We laughed as I held out a hand to shake his. "I'm Aliska, by the way," I said with a light giggle. "You can call me Koh," he replied, smiling.

"I am so glad to have met you... you have no idea how much you've helped me," I said.
"Yeah, I could see you looked really panicked."
"You have no idea..."
"Don't worry, it's all good now."
"But really... thank you for helping me."
He shrugged.
"When unexpected things like that happen, you should always help. And by the way, welcome to Asia," he added with a chuckle.

Soon enough, it was time to board the plane, and we last saw each other at the baggage collection. He showed me the way to the taxi line waiting outside the airport, and then we parted ways. Two strangers whose paths had crossed for only a mere moment in time, and as the purpose of our unexpected meeting came to an end, so did our association.

On my last day before returning home, I was again dazzled by the beauty of meeting strangers. This time it was a girl who, upon learning that I was leaving in the evening, decided she should take me to the top of a tower to enjoy a few cocktails in the sunset. And there we sat, seemingly on top of the world, chatting away like two old friends. As we parted ways, we hugged and I said: "I feel as though I'm going to see you tomorrow..." and she laughed, nodding. "Yes, it's hard to believe you're actually leaving."

But then the girl also left me with more food for thought. We had been talking about work, the corporate universe and the likes. At some point she said: "You know, I'm a crazy girl, I'm not normal... just saying because you shouldn't expect other people around here to behave the way I do."

"Well," I replied, beaming, "I'm mighty glad I met you on the way. And don't ever think you're not normal. Nobody is."

"Hmm... I also don't think I'm cut out for the corporate world," she went on, pensive and then waved a hand around us. "All this... That's not me."

I pondered her words silently for a moment. What about me? Was this me? This role I had been sucked into, that of suddenly being turned into the jet-setting girl rushing from place to place, meeting bosses and playing the part of the knowledgeable business woman... was that me? My head was swimming with way too much information to be able to formulate even the start of an answer. But I knew how it felt within me... like a web tightening its hold around me... and that impression within scared me because deep down I know I am like the little lamb playing it tough among the big, big wolves. And whenever I think about that fact, I feel like running back into my mother's arms.

Lana Del Ray, Born to Die

Beyond all this, though... this trip proved a powerful eye-opener. One that left me feeling as though some part of me had always been from that side of the world, as strange as that may sound. Or perhaps a better way to describe how it felt to be there would be to say: "I feel as though I've already been there in a past life."