Thinking about how indecisive I am led me to wonder as to why exactly I was - meaning, really, the mind process that leads me to a state of constant indecision. Focusing inwardly and sort of 'observing' how my thoughts unfold 'inside' I realise that I'm always analysing and computing all possible outcomes departing from one possible choice. I kid you not, I do it all the time. A choice presents itself to me and my mind engages in all sorts of mental gymnastics intent on processing all possible permutations and combinations that may unfold as a result of making a particular choice.

That's a lot of data and possible future permutations to handle, usually in a short amount of time as required by a fast-paced modern way of life. And why do I do that, beside the fact that I have the mind power to? because I'm also a perfectionist with an intense fear of failure - and that very combination of a powerful thought process along with that perfectionism and fear of failure all culminate into waste in the end because it leads more often than not to a state of endless ruminations, procrastination and ultimately lack of action.

This morning as I got out of bed and glanced at the pouring rain outside my window, I thought: "Aliska, drop it already. Just make decisions and live with it. Live with the possible wrongs and mistakes you'll surely make along the way - but unless you make choices, no matter how bad they turn out to be, you will never really learn while alive on this realm. You'll be hiding behind the illusion of knowing yourself in theory by hiding in non-action and lack of decision-making of your own volition, and that would ultimately say nothing about who you really are as a person in the world, or what you're really made of beyond your own imaginary conception of who you are (Ego). You cannot get away from that truth."

As freeing as these thoughts may have been for a moment, it's left me with a rather unnerving feel in the pit of my stomach.