Not the same

Only three weeks ago it was as though I was somebody else. Well, it was me, only less restrained and... freer. It was as though I was finally getting to be myself, and my whole person was radiant, confident, open and outgoing despite the constant stress of work... and the strangers I met... well, it felt as though we'd always known one another. And then I had to get back to this side of the world and the same old suffocating feeling wrapped itself around me at once. And at once I reverted back to a ghost with no purpose, no care, nothing.

I miss the humid heat, how it makes my hair curl as it falls heavily down my back and sticks to my neck in a sweat.

The stagnation in which I'm immersed over here feels like a sickness of the soul. How can you feel so sick in one part of the world and yet so alive in the other? Is it just my imagination or is there more to it?

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of indifference and greed. There are so many people all around me, but they might as well be made of wood. They might as well not be real.

An old colleague of mine used to say her indecisiveness was the symptom of a diseased soul and the only way to make it better was to stop questioning things too much. As soon as she followed that advice she quit her job and agreed to get into an arranged marriage. I am not sure that was the right cure, but there you go.

And I'm bored. Society hasn't changed much throughout the centuries. Sure, we tend to get married later in life nowadays, but all it really means is that babies have old people for parents more often than not. And these 'oldies' for parents are often obsessed with juggling a career too.

What fascinates me is older women - as in over 30 - having kids. They'll parade their newborns on social networks as though they were the first women in the whole world to have children. And then they'll call the child 'my little pie' or 'my sweet princess' or whatever. It always makes me wonder if they even realise that this child is really a person separate from them who will develop a mind of their own. Historically speaking, it's not hard to see that most of the time parents tend to forget it and then spend a painful amount of time trying to 'mould' their own kids into what they want them to be. It rarely works, but it explains why most people in the world are fucked up in some way. It always goes back to childhood, eh. 

Anyway... I am so indecisive. I need to stop overthinking and just make a decision - and live with it.