I don't recognise myself these days. I am experiencing what it feels like to live 'outside' oneself, meaning that I have been embracing the busy and social side of things for several weeks now, and the effects on my person are puzzling. It has divided me so greatly that I am at an even greater loss than ever before, it seems.

What do I mean exactly by 'living outside' myself?... It just means that I have barely spent any time alone to stare at a wall, thinking and/or dreaming for quite some time now. This means my diary writing (jotting down my thoughts) has also dried up because I'm effectively spending more time around people, filling my days with 'things to do' when I'm not already completely absorbed by work...and there it is, the end result... what feels very much like an EMPTY head.

And yet the more time I spend outside myself, the more addictive it gets. This is interesting, truly. I am getting to experience what it must be like to be, well, most people.

This is all an indulgence... it must be. But the divide within has never been greater, or bitchier. One long-lost side of myself (the social one) is fighting against the I that I have been shaped to become and neither seems ready to negotiate. But a decision must be reached - a balance must be struck... very, very soon. Because if I don't strike a balance soon, I know for a fact I will veer too much towards the empty-headed side where one loses themselves to the outside world, and if I do that I already know that I am doomed to crash and burn.

The battle within continues.

As to how I'm left feeling, well, it's like the song embedded above: though the music sounds upbeat and fun, the lyrics themselves are tragic. This, I suppose, is called the irony of Life.

O majestic Raven

Standing alone against all,

The colour of death is your burden,

But still, you rise above the crowd

Of pretty, pitiful flocks around

That jump away in fear

As your black shadow looms,

How shrewd and brave you are!

But they will never know

For all they can see

Is the colour of death

Heavy upon your shoulders.