I can't help feeling like I've somehow failed a 'test'. You know, one of those thrown at you in life that feels just like a test even if in the end it may all be random.

The worst part is that I'm growing increasingly aware of it - or rather daily occurrences are increasingly pushing my self-awareness buttons.

You know what I've come to realise? Pretty much nothing, except that it doesn't matter how long I spend trying to decide or make choices, and it doesn't matter how much time I spend agonising over it before I make that choice - in the end, that choice has as much of a chance of being wrong as it could be right. And this, my friends, is a realisation of the most depressing kind for me.

I have grown aware of two parts of me always battling for attention within me on the conscious side of things. One side is brave, addicted to challenge, resilient and smart - it possesses all the right qualities, if you like. The other side, however, represents the total sum of all my negative experiences in life, and you could almost liken it to a little devil resting on one shoulder, whispering things I now know I should try harder to ignore. But sometimes it's hard because the two 'voices' can get blurred into one, especially if emotions are running high. In fact, if emotions are triggered, I'll always be found listening to the little devil voice. That little devil voice is really nothing more than the product society made of me through bad experiences - it is whiny, weak, scared... so weak. And so easy to listen to. I fucking hate that part of me.

So it's hard to emerge from an earlier sense of certainty about a decision when you start realising that in fact you've been listening to the 'wrong' voice all along. And when the 'universe' seems intent on making you pick up on that fact, it feels even worse.

Here I stand, realising all that... not knowing what to do. Now I just feel mostly paralysed in place, more unsure than ever. If I have listened to all the wrong reasons to get to the current decision then how can I ever trust myself again to make decisions?

It's not like I'm all alone in this in some sort of blind guessing game, here. I've been experiencing the weirdest kinds of 'signs'  with such intensity recently that I know I'm supposed to take heed and LEARN. But what do you do when no matter how much you want to learn... you just can't?

It reminds me of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, funnily enough. In the story, the sisters happen to be incapable of 'reading' or picking up on social clues when it comes to society. Sure, it's all about the subtle code passed on between men and women that they're oblivious to, but the theme is the same. I find myself unable to read social clues around me. All these subtle signs and codes, the whole hierarchy bullshit... I just read it all wrong all the time, or I just don't pick up on it on time. And the only reason I'm aware of that is because life has been intent on bringing examples of those who can in my path - creating a contrast so shocking that I had no choice but to notice it.

What else is there to add? Nothing, really, because at this point I just don't know anything anymore.

Then again, was there anything I ever knew in the first place?