There is a side of my self I've only recently started to dwell on, and that side I can only call 'secretive' for lack of better words. But secretive, that I am 100% verging on the paranoid type at times. I can't help being secretive... it's really in my nature. Perhaps that's why cats tend to like me, eh.

I suppose the secretive tendency is made worse by an over-thinking and analytic mind. It didn't occur to me that most women are likely to suffer from a bad case of 'over-thinking' at one point or other, sometimes throughout their existence, until I read some half-penny studies on the subject - ok, I Googled it and read various articles on this. You know, the whole lying in bed at night, unable to think because your mind keeps going over the most minute details of a particular occurrence... I get that not just at night, I get that pretty much 24/7, and sometimes my head feels like a relentless thinking machine. I'd picture it best as the equivalent of a vast room full of overflowing drawers everywhere, but there must be some method to the madness of that 'room', for a part of me seems quite comfortable sifting through it all at her own pace.

Perhaps all the writing of thoughts is but a mere symptom of this. It's like... someone forgot to turn off the tap, or something. The continual flow feels mostly wonderful now, but I used to struggle far more with it when I was unable to control better the type of deeper thoughts I'd get into 24/7. The worst one always had to do with other people. I still find it hard to stop myself from over-analysing others and my own interactions with them. What's been helping me somewhat is the reminder that most people aren't worth over-analysing at all because most people just don't dwell on anything much except their own selves.

There's a brooding sky outside and rain has started knocking gently against my window but I won't let it in.

For the past year I've been observing more attentively people around me, especially at work. Journalists nowadays are mostly like bankers on the poor side when it comes to studying their temperament and main traits. They can be viciously competitive, ready to backstab you to get ahead and other niceties.

I've come to realise that I don't actually mind competition, since it must be in our nature. What I've come to truly dislike is the realisation that most competitive individuals are actually idiots who pretend that they know better - they are able to build up this front that makes them look like they're good at something if not even experts in some given field when in reality it's all devoid of true substance.

I've mentioned before, I think, the difference between a competitive nature and opportunism. There's a fine line between the two and the worst offenders are the competitive opportunist types - and they've become a rampant type in today's society courtesy of a hybrid-like capitalist ideology. I say hybrid-like because this capitalistic system is also supposed to incorporate variants of what we call democracy and other ideals. Within a capitalistic framework, democracy has become something akin to an industry rather than an ideal to be upheld - funny that this expression, 'democracy industry', was coined by a Russian media outlet.

I know I have a secretive nature because I have this really deep dislike in terms of unveiling anything personal about myself on a social level. I can only really do it from the 'safety' of social anonymity. The idea that anyone could get inside my head and link that to my social persona is enough to give me nightmares that will keep me up at night. There's probably an element of some survival instinct at play, here. If you think about it, unveiling yourself in the most honest way is the equivalent of exposing flaws and weaknesses - something that will always be exploited by the opportunist type.

If I were character in a book, I'd be the type of character people dislike, and it wouldn't even have to be because that character is doing reprehensible things on a so-called moral level. I'm starting to think that when you happen to be not only secretive but also solitary, brooding and generally keen on avoiding social contact or unable to create connections on a social level with most people because they come across to you like some weird alien race, the best thing to do may be to create a social persona that fits the bill. Just... own up to the facts that make you in the eyes of others at least.

In other words, since people see me as aloof, arrogant, strange, perhaps even dangerous on a competitive level (I see a flash of deep mistrust towards me quite often in people, especially when I happen to be doing something really well, like in my job) then maybe I can build up on that. If I can't be liked, perhaps I can be feared? It doesn't really matter what the reality of things are - this world is all about how you come across to others. If they believe the front, they believe in that version of you and that's all that matters.