Ghost World

It's strange how suddenly things can change, how one tiny factor can lead to a stark bifurcation later down the road and so on, and so on.

Just as I was preparing myself to quit my job, I got promoted. It just came out of the blue the other day. I was handed a white envelop and the good news had no effects whatsoever on my mood. I remained feeling rather low and dejected in general. At last my hard work had been rewarded, I guess. But what this also showed me is how much this is all I really have in life to fill the days of my existence.

I remember how hard it was at first to get used to the daily routine. The office hours would often end up feeling like an insufferable eternity, especially after lunch time. Nowadays, I just lose myself in the work and all the most complicated stuff that eludes me, and before I know it, it's time to go home. I get back home and the same routine awaits me. A well-acquainted solitude with myself, a few words thrown on screen, perhaps a few pages read from a book, and then sleep.

Sometimes I even find myself looking forward to the next day to finish what I couldn't complete at work the same day. It's become... something to look forward to, in some strange way. But beyond that it's also become my only stable activity.

Work, no matter how mind-numbing or stressful, has got to be better than facing a life of almost complete social isolation. I am one of these people who, strictly speaking, have 'no life'. It makes me wonder how many of us are out there. Probably more than I would dare imagine. We, over-achievers and perfectionists who only have work to lose ourselves in because for some reason or other we just never seem to fit in anywhere and we never seem able to develop relationships with others for long or even at all. Human focus and ambitions have to go somewhere, after all.

My hatred of money has become more of an acceptance of its necessity overall, and I see earning a living more like collecting pieces of paper that allow me to sustain a modest lifestyle. Just like everyone else. I guess in my solitude I could develop greater spending habits to cheer myself up, but even that has become rather redundant. I can't find the motivation to do anything but follow my daily routine of work-home-sleep like a good human robot.

I find myself sometimes reminiscing how foolishly idealistic I used to be and all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. Perhaps my idealism wasn't so flawed, but it was always doomed, and it's funny how we can never see it at the time. It takes 'facing reality' to realise it.