Glimpses

My cousin left yesterday afternoon, and since then I've had the time to fully experience this strange and eerie 'empty' atmosphere left after someone's departure from a place. Everything always has to end at some point.

Every part of life seems to belong to a cycle of some sort - even mere moments are like short cycles bound to end at some point. I won’t miss the stranger that lived in our flat for about 6 months, the silent stranger who never spoke to me beyond the ‘hi’ word. It’s just that as always, the disappearance of a ‘presence’ can be felt strongly. The room next door will be once again empty, hollowed out from a human presence. After a few days, the strange ‘emptiness’ will fade away, of course, but still, the present moment to be experienced is that of this strange disappearance of human presence no matter how silent that presence was.

It must have something to do with energy, surely. We humans have an energy about us that travels around with our body, wherever we go, and when we leave, that energy or ‘presence’ leaves with us. The same must be true with death to a far larger extent because with death, the body is simply left behind while that energy vanishes at once and for good.

Right now, I find myself stopping in my tracks often to stare at the room's closed door. He was always keeping the door closed, so I find myself imagining that he could still be in there, watching TV or whatever else it was that he would spend his time doing. Last night, as I found myself stopping in my tracks in the corridor to stare at the closed door, I could see that there was no more light filtering through from underneath the door. I felt this strange pinch in the heart and I wondered how it was possible to feel such deep sadness for a silent stranger who got on my nerves more often than not while he was here.

I guess my sorrow has a lot to do with being too sensitive. No matter how strange he could be, I knew that he'd had a very tough life. His inability to cope with daily life - to be responsible - and the reason why he was so lost and unable to even try to help himself while he was here was directly linked to a terrible childhood filled mostly with abuse. I got a glimpse of someone whose life had been so devoid of love and care that it left him deeply handicapped. I realise that whatever we end up being as adults, it all depends mostly on childhood, and since we don't get to choose where we're born, it pretty much leaves a lot of who we become up to chance.

And maybe the reason I feel so sorrowful right now is because that silent stranger was showing me this all along. Or maybe the way I feel is merely a reflection of my inability to accept change without feeling pain.