Choices

If there's anything one comes to realise over time it's how tough it can be to be a creature whose one core characteristic is the ability to make choices, to such an extent at times that the choices we have the ability to make can even transcend the natural order.

Religion calls is 'free will', others call it simply 'choice'. I was never good at making choices, perhaps because I grew up getting used to having others making choices for me and expecting those choices made for me to be good ones. In my early 20s, I realised that more often than not, if I didn't make the choice for myself the best I could hope for was to end up with a decision by default - that's not always so good, is it, when you dither so much that in the end you're forced into the only choice left.

At the same time, it would be true to say that today's world has never been more saturated with choices, or at least the illusion of a lot of choices out there. Of course, with a closer look at what seems like a multitude of choices, one often comes to realise that the ramifications departing from each choice actually lead to a swift narrowing down of said choices.

Not all choices are the same in terms of importance, or perhaps I should say in terms of repercussions for the future chain of events that will depart from that choice. Choosing what to have for lunch pales in comparison to, say, a life-changing decision to move countries. Deciding not to choose is another choice in itself, yet its repercussion can be far worse than actually choosing to make a choice for the simple fact that we are choosing to be passive or in denial in the face of having to choose, in a way.

I've once again reached a stage where major decision must be made. The last time I decided to make a choice of that magnitude, it ended in disaster - so of course there is that little voice at the back of my mind scaring me away from trying that again. But then I know that if I don't actively make a choice, this time I will regret it.

This could change everything. And maybe that's why I'm so scared and have spent the whole week trying to bury my head in the sand.

It's not so much about choosing, but more about having the guts to try. I know that if I don't try, I'll regret it. Strangely enough, the knowledge that I'll regret not even trying to go for an active choice in my life is the only thing I feel certain about for the first time in my life.