Through the haze

Today was too long a day.

Too much thinking, introspection, so much so that in the end I thought I had lost sight of everything. Absolutely everything I ever thought I knew for sure. But then, as night befell a new dawn prevailed. How cliche. This post means very little and everything to me at this very moment. Perhaps I was meant to lose sight for a moment so I could regain it.  These lines are pure indulgence, they represent the apparent nonsense that leads to sudden understanding, or so I like to think.

10.43am: There is something missing in my reasoning, a contradiction so blatant that I can’t even see it at present.

I am so afraid of others judging me that I feel sick to my stomach. This a major point right here: I am so intent on being accepted or loved by others that I keep trying to be what I’m not. I want to stop doing that. I want to be me, even if it means that I’m wrong or end up being labelled as crazy or evil. If I manage to be me, true to my own self and living according to ME then at least I would have truly existed. Anything else would be a sham, a pathetic broken copy of what I think others would accept.

...

16.14:  As I sit on the grass in the middle of the park I feel like I’m going insane. What a fancy way to waste your life away.

The more I dwell on things the less I seem to know and I only get more confused. How to make it stop? Is there such a miracle pill one could take to alleviate the weight of thinking too much about absolutely EVERYTHING- and yet so little, so nothing at the same time.

I need to take my mind off things for a while...

- “Doctor, I think I have a disease.

- “Really? Why don’t you describe the symptoms to me?

- “Well, there’s the thinking- it never seems to stop. And all those questions I ask myself.

- “I see. Well, it seems to be the case of too much brain abuse coupled with an overdose of self-discovery.”

- “Really, doctor? What can I do about it?

- “Oh, it’s very simple. I’ll just write you a prescription right away.

- “Oh, so there is a cure?

- “Oh yes, of course. Always proved very efficient even with the most severe cases of thorough reasoning.”

- “What is it then, doctor? 

- “I think a highly concentrated dose of mental inertia is required. A minimum of 10 hours a day spent in the company of the most common people.That’s what you need.”

- “Really, doctor? That’s all I need?

- “Oh yes. But make sure you spend time with the most frivolous kind. That is the key to regain some well-deserved mental torpor. You’ll be back to normal in no time- and no, you are no longer permitted to ask what is meant by normal.”

16.33:  And then I was distracted by a squirrel that stared at me for so long, making its way closer to me in such a way that I could not help a smile. Of course I had to smile. Today time is my ally. For once. Relativity. Perspective.

I am again being too impatient. If I allowed time to run its course all would be possible. And if I can take pleasure in watching the simplest things, if the most basic creatures can relax me then surely I should be able to find the same comfort among my peers- the silliest the better. I’m far too intense for my own good anyway.

16.44: Maybe I should do a “Muriel” and just find some idiot to amuse me in between two sessions of brainstorming. I mean, why not? There is nothing charming about a writer- if that’s even what I am. But I decided that I was and so it is that I will get there in the end.

I wish I could just sit here forever under that tree in a field of crows and squirrels hopping around me.

18.17: Unless one is mentally abnormal there is no way to escape nature for long. I still feel confused.

18.20: Today I reached the end of my tether, I think.

18.22: Then again, maybe not. Or did I? No. 

18.28: I can imagine and wonder, but I am not meant to come up with solutions. I seem to sense that very strongly within myself. Then again that could just be pure cowardice steming from a lack of confidence. There, we see it blatantly now: I am forever undecided. I can safely say that it must be one hell of a drawback courtesy of good old social conditioning and childhood traumas. Bless. there is one thing I’m fairly sure about, though, no matter how terrible it will sound to a majority: religion is meant to be surpassed- transcended.

20.21: Knowledge is knowledge is knowledge. Without purpose there is no logical reason to pursue it.

Ah!