Void is chaos

Void is chaos. Chaos is a blurred line between control and delusions. Delusions are a first step leading right back into that giant gap within the mind. Welcome to nothingness.

08/06/08

I’m afraid. I’m scared, terrified. Everything around me has taken the colours of blood, pain and evil murmurs. I am still me and yet my thoughts have lost grip of their coherence. I have no control left over what I feel or ought to feel and the same ideas, same thought patterns keep dancing before my eyes, no matter how hard I try to chase them away.

It’s a slow procession of illogical beliefs which have taken over my better judgement, and the more I fight against those wild elements, those figments of non-sense, the worse they seem to get. It is a very strange thing that is happening. I am very aware of those alien thoughts and while I remain the mistress of my self I can no longer prevent what can only be called obssessions. Obsessive thoughts that lead straight to imbalance. These pages will have no sense, I’m afraid, for they are my only means to reject such ideas away from my head.

Paranoia is also starting to overwhelm me and I am afraid of everything around and within me. And those thoughts won’t leave me alone. They won’t leave me alone. They won’t leave me alone. They won’t leave me alone. They’re very much my own thoughts; I am the one formulating them in my head. There are no outside voice or anything of the sort: it is me. What makes no sense to me is that I just cannot think of anything else and that scares the hell out of me. I had to stop writing as though I knew what I was doing because I fear everything I thought I understood merely stemed from obseesive patterns of thought. I thought my mind was free but it is in fact held in a cage and it can do nothing but turn like a beast prisoner of its own iron will.

Nothing much makes sense these days. I look out the window and see the shades of sky, from mournful greys to incandescent molten gold, and I see the world contained in one single tear falling from above, crashing onto the frozen ground and scattering its precious power.

I have no desires, no drive to do anything. I haven’t washed in days. My hair is greazy, my appearance foul. I wish it was a simple matter of snapping out of it all. But it isn’t, I’ve tried.

I feel like the devil is out to get me, I feel possessed against my better judgement. Can’t you see? I am trying so hard to rationalise what makes no sense in my head... I’ve lost it completely, haven’t I?

They say that if you were losing your mind you wouldn’t even know you had. I take solace in that only, yet I still cannot explain what is happening. If I am simply being silly, then why can’t I snap out of it?

For the second night in a row I felt scared as I went to bed and stared at the things around me, almost expecting- again, against my better judgement still present in one side of my head- something to happen. Religious beliefs have taken residence in my head, too. I want them out of there but they won’t buldge. It’s been months now. I made the mistake of sharing such crazed thoughts with mum and since then it has felt like I have somehow released a demon out of its cage. I made it all more real than it ever had been. I am afraid that the sound part of my brain might be losing power to the degenerate side... I can sense the fine line between the way I feel now and how easily I could slip further away from rationality if that happened.

I think I am evil and that I should die. It’s the only way to make everything stop. There is no other way. I should end it all before it’s too late. Before I lose it completely and can no longer distinguish reality from fantasy. Before the sound part remaining let go and I am left with no more logics or power to rationalise my thoughts and actions. I want to keep away from anything remotely religious for fear that it will only exacerbate my delusions. I need help. Yet every single person arond me believes that I am fine. they’re obviously not living in my head 24/7. I want out of that head just for a few days, even a minute. I want it to shut up for a moment, just a moment... I need rest.

I think the whole world is set against me and that the devil is trying to destroy me. Then there is my sound presence of mind that keeps telling me that this makes no sense whatsoever. First, what is so special about my person that the whole world would tire itself against me, and why would the devil, which is merely a metaphore for all things bad, go after me, the pathetic drop in the ocean?

I try to rationalise those crazy ideas and although I can see how illogical they are I can’t get them out of my head. That is my problem. No amount of rationaliation seems to be enough... Thus I am left scared and ambushed by my own self. I had so many things to write, such nice stories dear to my heart but how can I write when all this is happening in my head?

I cannot not believe in God, either. I keep agreeing with all those people who find logical arguments against its existence and yet I keep believing. Is that simply a glimpse of how powerful human conditioning can be? Blind faith that can never be erradicated... I am left thinking that perhaps I should destroy everything religious around me. There are pictures of Christ above the door and I find myself thinking that I should burn them, that it would liberate me. It’s a very appealing idea right now. Then I get that thought that if I did just that I would be giving in to what the devil wants me to do. So I should resist the urge. But how long can I resist when I feel so obsessed? I want to go to church, not to mass, but simply walk inside one and drop on my knees. But I’m afraid that it is all in my head and going there won’t change a damn thing. Worse, still, I would end up even more obsessed. It’s all my cousin’s fault and only now do I realise that mum was right all along. She had advised me not to go, warning me that every time she saw members of her family something bad happened to her. I didn’t listen and she said those things and now those things won’t leave me in peace. I need to snap out of it. If I could, though, I wouldn’t be writing this. I am doomed. Cursed. DOOMED.

Suite a 10.37am: Perhaps what is really happening to me is far removed from insanity and merely the painful stage of discovery that leads one to Enlightenment or Knowledge. I’ve had the logical understanding dawn on me slowly which is that one is to depart from comforting, man-made beliefs if they are to see beyond illusions, toward the wondrous fields of reason. Where men are strong enough to believe in themselves without the need of religious cruches. Where men can let go of fables and tales, hints of ‘deraison’ that feed the need for supernatural explanations whenever something lacks clarity or basic knowledge. The fact that I must let go of everything I thought I knew or took for granted is eating at the very core of my person and without the shams enveloping me like a feel-safe cocoon there is only me left with the rather cold and distant comfort of my brain as sole companion in my quest. My conditioned being finds itself threatened and therefore every last remnant of conditioned beliefs are heightened to a degree that feels close to insanity. My conditioned self is the one fighting against the process I put in motion. It is hanging on so hard and entering in such a violent conflict within me that I feel too overwhelmed not to be depressed. But my depression is my inability so far to process too deep a sense or feel of others’pain and what I can see is going wrong around me. Unless I can find a way or ways to reconcile every discovery I make for myself with the ability to cope or shoulder the weight of such discoveries I will not make it very far and will end up consumed by helplessness. I must find a way to put everything into persepective so that I can focus on the quest itself- not the idea of changing anything for I would need to reach destination before even attempting to venture solutions. In this I suddenly find solace again. It is shaky and weak and I could lose sight of this thread fairly easily, still... But if I could just focus enough!

Nobody said it was going to be easy to let go of everything you ever thought you knew... It is in fact more painful than physical distress. I might be playing a dangerous game with my own self but what else could life be about, honestly? There is only this life and I will have the rest of eternity or a black hole of endless sleep where nothing ever exists again to get my peace of mind. This existence will only last years against a backdrop of nothingness. Why should I be worried? Why shouldn’t I gamble my very sanity if there is nothing better to do? If living a blind life according to the rules of biology and man-made ethos morphed into a worldwide propaganda called Religion isn’t something I can do even if I wanted to, then I will go else where and wander till I drop. I must first be able to deal with the isolation, solitude and sense of weirdness my quest is sure to entail. If I fail to find a balance, to reach some sort of acceptance as to the concequences then I’m afraid my quest will be little more than a short trip to ‘derision’. 

All those thoughts, the religious obsessions...They’re still in my head but they are in fact the expression of the threatened conditioned part of me emerging violently as I attempt to break away from all that I do not know as true knowledge. I found the key! I FOUND THE KEY. Now that I understand why I’ve suddenly become so obsessed with beliefs that were in fact burried deep into the core of what make up my social persona I can focus on finding a balance or a way to make peace with it to resume my journey.

I am no evil entity, nor am I a devilish spawn, but my uncanny sensitivity makes me so aware of the ills around me that it morphes the compationate side into depression, the exacerbated state of helplessness one plunges into when they can see but cannot act.

Perhaps I am only turning in circles in vain, focusing on futile things everybody already knows about but they will be the futile things I come to understand myself, beyond the superficial sense that one understands even the simplest concept. I will no longer call knowledge what was handed to me unless I have made the effort to go through the steps that lead to that particular knowledge. Hence, it is highly likely that at the end of my own life I will know very little, but what I will have come to know for myself will be glimpses of true knowledge, away from illusions and erroneous steps leading to what I can only call ‘pre-fabricate’ knowledge. And even if this is all a waste of time and even if it leads me nowhere in the end I have a thirst for something that I won’t always have with me: my brain. It is the one true mystery of life and people waste time trying to comprehend the existence of god, a notion even more out of reach than any other mystery left for us to uncover! Why is it that, beyond logics, people seem so determined to find the answers to the existence of God and his so-called plans or purpose, when they don’t even know themselves? Is it because it is always easier to pick at something further removed from ourselves than finding the courage to face what is starring us in the face? It all comes down to ignorance which feeds our reliance on even more far-fetched explanations. I therefore must conclude that the question of god is irrelevant to man’s development. As I will keep digging beyond the surface of everything that is obvious and taken for granted I must expect more turmoil within myself...since I am my own guinea pig, in a sense. But hey, better be my own experiment than anyone else’s!

I suddenly feel so liberated!...Until the next hurdle, that is.

The world is governed by the rules of probability and chance ensued by the latter. Forgive my lack of clarity and wrong choice of terms when it comes to rather more scientific arguments...I am no mathematician nor am I a scientist, I only go with what seems to make sense. I believe in logics. LOGICS. The world is one maze of a jigsaw that looks very much chaotic at first glance, but if one is to take the trouble to look more closely they are likely to find that there is no such thing as chaos in the sense we understand or define the word. There is something that we see or can identify which we call chaos but haven’t we in fact given to the word a misguided definition?  We call chaos what is devoid of sense, what is truly random, an amalgam of randomness...here’s the dictionary’s definition, actually: “A state of total confusion and lack of order.”

But I claim that what we call chaos is little more than another mistaken thought on what we think we are seeing for what presents itself as chaotic might well simply be beyond our grasp.

And now : “Chaos theory is a scientific theory about situations that obey particular laws but appear to have little or no order.”

So, really a term like chaos has very little meaning and is a blanket word that covers aspects of what we cannot comprehend. But there must be order in the most chaotic shamble. As much as words like ‘all’ or ‘tout’ in French which I grew wary of very early on.

Because I believe in logics I must be able to see that everything around me -everything- follows some logical line and if I am unable to distinguish it from ‘chaos’ or nonsense then it is merely because I lack the understanding or necessary knowledge.

I grew bitter towards everything remotely mathematical and used to have nightmares about geometry. What I only come to understand now is that geometry, maths, physics and other scientific fields are tools one needs to use if they are to sharpen the logical side of their brain. The downside of it all is that such tools gives man the false sense of power over nature and life itself. However, scientific discoveries and the tools they provide in our quest to understand our world are never more than tools that should be used towards helping along the way. They provide no answer in themselves. They do, however, easily swell people’s heads into thinking that they hold the key to better understanding. 

Well...One should never let himself be fooled into thinking that a shiny tool- the means- can replace the answer- the end. The main risk in doing just that is what is happening right now: we lose our ways so much that far from seeking answers from within we keep skipping fundamental steps towards true understanding and we are blinded by the very things that were supposed to help in the first place. Therefore science has now become the means to a very different end whereby comfort and technology are in fact what we should be aiming at.

Now onto another side of me that has long disturbed me: the sense that I am arrogant. I feel very much deluded in the sense that I have that core belief that I am menat to do something extraordinary, somehow. As though I was that special. Well, perhaps it is a necessity to have a proportion of the human race deluded into thinking that they have something special to do or should at least what they can to leave a ‘trace’. If enough of us are enclined to think such things then the probability that one true genius will emerge from the mass is greatly improved. Makes sense. So, really, if I loathe that side of me for being so full of myself perhaps I should make peace by reminding myself that, if anything, I am in fact part of a bigger natural process within which the best can be harvested. In this I suddenly find the idea of being a mere grain of sand much more appealing. Then again, I was always secretly swayed towards the argument for humanity over the individual.