09/06/08

There is a heavy burden to carry when one is able to see the truth for what it is. It’s also a tiring exercise most of the time and I have seen but mere glimpses of reality in its truthfulness, without the intricate layers of illusion and lies covering it. I don’t like what I’ve seen so far; in fact, I suspect that it would be far more agreable to ignore what lies beyond the things we see, what we think or what we falsly take for knowledge. I wonder: am I going against nature itself if one is to look at this exercise as more of an exception compared to what a majority of other individuals would do or am I in fact becoming more human for trying to develop the one thing that differenciate us so much from any other creatures- our faculty to think coherently and logically?

I shared my slight illumination of yesterday with my mother and, surprisingly enough, she understood what I was trying to say. She was amazed that I had come to understand certain things only now and that’s when I realised part of why she was the way she was. If anything, my quest isn’t such a random fancy I woke up with out of the blue but rather a predisposition either inherited from her or merely conditioned by my living with her all my life. Either way she must play an important role in the manner my thoughts are shaped.

I can no longer think without almost picturing lines and geometry within my own mind as though everything- absolutely everything- stemed from a logical base which you can hope to reach if only you can follow the threads often buried in messy knots. The game of following logical threads that lead to a deeper meaning of a notion or theory appeals greatly to me and although it makes perfect natural sense in my mind I fear that it would be almost impossible to explain how much of a joy it is for me.

The downside of logics, as I’ve felt before, is that it is one of the most ruthless tools for it will only show you bare truth removed from any other niceness we tend to wrap it under. It seems we have this need to dilute reality, especially what is simply the truth, in order to manage existence. It appears much akin to a necessary coping mechanism we use without even noticing most of the time but there are people who have perfected the art of masking truths so well that others cannot even start to look for the real thing even if they ever wanted to. It is slowly dawning on me that I might not be cut out for the truth; I’m just not strong enough as a person to carry such a burden, knowing that it means I have to chip away at the safe haven ignorance provides. Ignorance or indifference, for that matter. There are many who, far from being ignorant or lacking the skills to see beyond the shams, would rather remain indifferent. But then I’m only going to be alive once and I’ll only have that brain for a given time and what a waste it would be not to try everything I humanly can to uncover its secrets or the power it wields from within. Give me a pointless quest anytime as a substitute to the mere acceptance of what a person ought to be according to a majority that is ignorant enough to follow the pack blindly without questions.

What frightens me most is the leap between the relatively safe comfort of beliefs and man-made ideals which, I realise now, is more or less akin to endoctrination, and that of bare reality, where one can see that there is only the person and what that person chooses to do. Yes, I suppose what bothers me is mostly that from now on I can no longer delude myself into projecting a God in the empty skies or give supernatural meaning to anything I simply do not comprehend. The concept of a superman is very much in line with logics and man can only hope to achieve greatness and true self-reliance if he can shed away the weight of illusions behind which he hides. Having said that, and although I seem to agree with such a concept, it doesn’t do much to quench my inner fears of having to face a life where there is nothing else but me and the people around me. And logics. Out goes magic, and heavens, and hells and other lullabies created to either sooth the mind or as a means of control over the masses. Illusions and beliefs have been so deeply engrained in me that not only was it a monstrous hurdle to shed a big chunk away from my brain but it also leaves me with the conscience that what I am left with might well be glimpses of true knowledge but it doesn’t change the fact that such true knowledge is far less appealing to me than candyfloss shams I was used to for so long. It is worth it, no doubt about that, of course, but one must be prepared for a life of sober lucidity with no coming back to the safety of illusions...

If there is no such thing as a soul in a religious light then there must be at least two different parts that make up a person. I have been able to distinguish the one I define as the brain, the clockwork side of man, where logics and abilities lie. It is, I think, the most reliable part of us for it relies solely on logics and reaon. But then I have difficulties identifying the other part, the one we tend to listen to more readily and which is often the cause of our mishaps. If I am to follow that thread for lack of any better or clearer one, I would say that it is in fact the part we often call the soul, the heart or spirit. I tend to think that this other side is closer to what we call our personality or social self. The one that feels. Thus, I like picturing one side as an intricate clockwork, a living machine, whereas the other is flimsier, made up of social conditioning and experience and therefore it would make sense that the latter would be so keen to nurture prejudices, grudges but also attachment and preferences. I would call it the personality, which comprises feelings and social projection as opposed to the brain, or biological side, which, although there must be some degree of conditioning - the learning process, for instance- is better equipped to break away from such conditioning. I would also go as far as claiming from personal experience this time that it is man’s most reliable sidekick. The other side is, by its very nature, prone to bias and fluctuations and therefore more encline to follow changing currents of all sorts. Pretty useless when one is trying to see beyond appaearances, for instance.