It might well be that what I am writing is grossly superflux but as long as it seems to teach me something it was never for nothing. I just can’t take anything for granted anymore- my mind simply won’t stand for it and will make me question until it all makes sense. I cannot just accept that I think one thing without questioning why or what lies beneath the end result that is that thought. I need to understand for myself HOW I got to think or believe one particular thing. To me the big test isn’t so much these very pages but whether I am able to write something as long as a book, a story in itself, that can actually stand up to scrutiny. These pages are indulgence to me, a place where I can let my mind run loose to follow any line of thought it fancies. They represent some sort of recycling bin in which I can empty the huge amount of constant reasoning from the silliest idea to the most elaborate and somehow avoid sheer brain overload, if that makes sense.

 That need to write so much is, I suspect, a mere coping mechanism that allows me to not only sort my thoughts out but also prevent overwhelming my own brain as it would otherwise lead straight to a major breakdown at some point. Honestly, just like an overworked machine. It would make logical sense that those who came up with the computer model based themselves on that of the brain itself. All that’s really missing from those machines is the human touch- feelings. Now that’s something we haven’t been able to create, something that would emulate feelings just as we experience them every day and that seem to make us so very human...And because we still don’t understand those feelings, why we have them, why they feel so much like some third party akin to a soul added to the body it is easier to end up believing in religions. And yet by doing so we elude the issue altogether, hiding behind an explanation even more complex to understand rationally and logically than the original enigma. So if I’m to attempt at least to get to the bottom of what makes us human and everything that goes with the question surely I should keep away from any other notion that only serves to confuse me further. If I can first answer issues surrounding the person- the foundations- starting from the very roots then I can move up to the next hurdle and so one. This way I minimise the chances for error in reasoning and I am more likely to find something right. No one should ever start with the question of religion or any of those massive notions before everything else. That would be skipping fundamental stages of understanding and of course the likelihood of finding any answer is greatly reduced. Fact. Learning is the pauper’s path. Remain humble and accept that you know very little and your mind will open up to new horizons, things that you thought you knew until it finally slaps you in the face and you realise that you never really knew until now.--

On the other hand I keep having doubts about the direction my story is taking: am I being too patronising, too much of a moralist at times? Am I writing too much beside the point, around the bushes, taking my potential reader for a morron? Yes, I think I do sometimes. I struggle with subtility and seem to spell everything out in case the message wasn’t clear enough and by doing so I threaten the power of suggestion, what makes a mind want to understand, curious. How do you make sure you don’t do that? How do you know you’re giving away just the right amount?? I’m still trying to figure that out. It’s pretty much like making a cake when you’ve never cooked before: how much raising stuff do you put in it exactly, knowing that if there isn’t enough it will go flat and if you put too much it will make your stomach churn...Here’s my dilemma, really. I can only guess and hope I have a good eye for measure, that my critical side will pick up on the problems soon enough. You can write, write, write but the real test is the finished product: is it going to be some cheap brand pack of rubbish or an expensive, rich texture kind of cake? The proof, I guess, can only be in the pudding, ah.