Facing the Drama side of things

Sometimes the pressure and the emotional carnage going on inside me makes me want to scream and run away from everything and never look back... There must have been something right about what my previous boss hinted at heavily before I quit: that I was some sort of drama queen. And I am... I don't mean to be, but I undeniably am because I live so much in my own head, so wrapped up in my own stifled emotions that I can't handle, and every little thing becomes a giant mountain. It was also always someone else's fault, and even when I was able to take responsibility for my actions I was always ready to play the victim. 

Where ever I go drama follows me... I try hard to keep a low profile - to 'blend' in - but my true nature always thwarts my attempts because in absolute truth the real me hates how boring and predictable reality is. I've always hated reality - I was born bored of it already. Do you know what people like me end up doing, then? They go on a quest - whether obvious or not - to spice up reality, stubbornly trying to add magic even though we know full well it can never be. But we will spend our life trying regardless... because the alternative is just too excruciating to even contemplate... it would mean accepting that pigs really can't fly.

I'm like wildfire, full of raw, untamed energy flying in every direction and every time I think about taming the flames I change my mind at the last minute because I just don't want to turn into yet another person who is alive physically but already dead or drained from the inside. It doesn't earn me many friends... in fact, it keeps me pretty much all alone most of the time because it does mean I'm weird. And also, it makes me a so-called bad influence from the point of view of 'settled' people (those who tend to follow social rules and expectations to the letter, that is). 

Sometimes I think to myself that surely there must have been a mistake somewhere. Surely I was never meant to live in reality. Surely a person like me ought to belong within the realm of books, dreams and imagination. Not this cold, ruthless and emotionally-contrived reality... 

As life went on the themes of solitude and alienation grew more prominent in my existence, and perhaps I needed to feel as if I was being shattered into pieces from the core in order to have a fair shot at building myself back up as a better, stronger model of my own self... that's what all the positive-thinking folks out there would say, anyway.

Personally... i don't really care anymore. I realise that I spend more of my time writing about life than I actually live it. I don't just spend 80% of my time thinking about all sorts of 'deeper' topics (like the universe, the world and its neighbour) I then go on spending even more time writing about the thoughts I've been thinking about! This is my life. Don't believe me?

I have filled the equivalent of 12 diaries so far since I first started this blog - in the last 5 years - with a total word count well over 1 million. And that doesn't even include the lousy fantasy trilogy I tried my hand at alongside the almost constant charting of my own thoughts and musings, which goes over 300,000 words in itself. How can a person find the time to write so much? I don't know... I have no 'life' as such. I spend more time inside my head, writing words rather than speaking them out loud and it's just normal to me... I'm actually quite happy, though from time to time someone will unnerve me in some way, forcing me to see that I still need a balance between complete isolation and interaction with others.

And yet if you met me in the course of daily life as I go about earning a living you'd probably have no clue and mistake me for the bubbly, typical girl next door (till you start chatting to me and realise there's something a bit off about the way I interact or understand you... something different).

What is this land we see

Afar, so far drowning

In a misty ocean and shimmers

The golden halo of dreamers

 

When all is quiet,

But the wind that shivers

The apex of a world asleep,

Exhales the mind of the thinking.

 

So far, so far the land

That told the passing folk

Of truth and legends alike,

No more, no more,

 

The land is no more.