No matter what we do, no matter what we may think is important, health and death are the ultimate deal breakers. Both of them hold all the power, really, in the realm of the living.

I often ask myself what life is about. There are about as many beliefs and thoughts on the subject as there are people in the world. Maybe all life is about is the memories we create along the way, and I know that sounds cliché, but a cliché doesn't have to mean it's wrong. It can just be stating the obvious. If I look at life with the aim of creating as many vibrant memories as possible - and not necessarily all of them 'good' memories - I can look back at a patchwork in time that was my existence. The more colourful, the more beautiful the drifting back in time even as we reflect back on what was once experienced as harsh. Memories and dreams are made out of the same stuff, they both dwell within the mind, yet the crucial difference between the two is that the former can bring about a sense of completion or regret, while the latter never truly occurred in reality and if a life is filled more by dreams than memories then only regrets are likely to be felt in the end.

Confronting my worst fears is starting to take its toll on me. I did think at first that the more I'd confront them, the easier it ought to become over time - a bit like confronting phobias full-on to cure them. Well... it doesn't seem to be working, or rather it is in the sense that I'm learning to deal with situations better, but inside it is really exhausting me. And I feel it.

I tell myself that I'll continue pushing myself till I really can't cope at all anymore. I'll go as far as I can, confronting what frightens me the most till I really can't take it, and then perhaps I will find it only natural to retreat back within myself. What keeps me going is the thought that I'm currently creating very odd memories which I know I will some day look back on with a certain sense of satisfaction, even just because the occurrences on which those memories are based were so unlikely.

Yes... looking at life as a process that involves creating memories does help. It helps even just to pay more attention to what we do have, appreciating the people we sometimes forget to care about but that we do love deeply. It makes you want to create more special moments, moments that will add colour to your look-back in time later on... Things like that.

I wish I was better at socialising with others, or maybe what I really wish is the chance to actually meet others who are better suited to my own character and weirdness. Unfortunately, the more your personality and way of thinking diverge from the mainstream, the less likely you are to find others 'like' you. And then there is also the fact that someone 'like me' may actually not be what's good for me at all. I am dark, brooding, over-thinking and abstract - my opposite would have to be full of light with a hunger for life itself and most importantly concrete. Only then would the dynamics work.

All my thoughts are influenced by particular occurrences in my daily life, I have to say. I've reached an age where most of my peers are now getting married and starting families. The few that aren't happen to be focused on a career, and I seem to fall into that group. It's not that I chose to, but this is what happens when one just never really makes choices - choices are made for you, one way or the other.