Fear

It seems the weight of responsibilities really serves to emphasise the prospect of failure, but beyond that there is also the fact that if one digs deep enough within themselves, they're likely to encounter Fear as the ultimate controlling force in one's life.

It seems all I've really found out about myself in the end is this gigantic pool of fear inside, and it is that very feeling that infiltrates all my actions and decisions like venom travelling through one's veins. Day in, day out, everything about what I do or don't do is constantly under the influence of this fear lying right at the bottom of my very being, and as it remains hidden, almost out of sight for the most part - hidden within my depths - I rarely realise that everything I do or don't do is truly dictated by it. And thus Fear shapes my life, my existence as a whole.

Facing that dark pool within is like... standing face to face with a rabid dog, or something. It doesn't matter that I know, or that I've grown aware of its existence - on the contrary. Now, it feels like it is taunting me overtly. It's like finding out who your worst enemy is, only to have the latter sneer in your face.

"So you know it was always me playing tricks on you, holding you back, confusing you, keeping you petrified in place," says the Fear.

"Yes... I can see you so clearly now," says I.

"Good for you... You do realise I'll never go away, right? You do realise that I'm such an intrinsic part of you  there is nothing you can do to overcome me?"

"I do... I really do. You'll never go away, I know that."

No, it will never really go away. Fear is just one of these feelings that just are. The best we can hope to accomplish is limit the extent of its control. But here's what I've come to understand about such things as Fear governing one's life: Fear is like a weak muscle in one's body that will never get stronger on its own, and that's exactly why the only thing left to do is to strengthen all the others so that they can eventually take over the weakest link. So I understand that it's not about fighting, but more about building around the said weakness so that one day the surrounding structure can cope fully without any help or bother from that weakest part of I, and that applies even to the notion of Fear.

The tricky part is that Fear makes you afraid of so many things... so much so that sometimes even attempting to build your other 'muscles' becomes some sort of impossible task. They say when you're afraid you should confront your fear to overcome it. That means I have to confront a lot of things in life because everything about Reality has always frightened me beyond belief.

I am afraid of everything. I fear others, I fear failure, I fear change, I fear the unknown, I fear Life itself as much I fear death... the list goes on. And for each thing that I fear, the only thing I can do is make myself confront each and every single one of them, or as many as I have time to confront while I'm alive.

When fear turns out to be your biggest denominator, the idea that life is all about 'fun' or 'seeking pleasures' becomes ridiculous. It sure ain't the case for me. Every moment I push myself to face the world isn't a pleasure in any way, it's a constant battle, a war of wits within between what I feel I need to do and the Fear trying to entice me back into hiding. And every single day it feels like an enormous battle just to face what would appear trivial to so many others. Soldiering on even though within yourself you feel so scared you could cry to the point of bursting into a thousand tears.