Identity

I don't know anything anymore. I don't think I ever knew anything in the end.

Everything has again taken the colour of stupid these days. In my reality, I still need to carry on 'as normal'... People smile at me and I smile back at them. Inside I'm bleeding, but I know they can never see it - I am too good a mask wearer in reality.

I tell myself "It will pass. Yes, it has to... This emptiness eating at me, it will pass at some point, surely. When, I do not know, but eventually..."

Like a ghost, I carry on, smiling and nodding, perfecting my social mask so no one can see in how much inner pain I am. So no one can see how much I hate everything right now. How much I want to climb atop the highest mountain in the world and scream till I lose my voice.

One thing is for sure: identity is an illusion. There is no 'I' within, only a constellation of masks we create for ourselves throughout existence, which are then worn according to a situation or the people we need to adapt to. That's why trying to figure out the true self is a waste of time. If I stayed in complete isolation for a long enough period of time, maybe I would only get to wear one mask, but still, it would only be one version of my self.

There is... no self. Only selves. The key, I suppose, is to take control over what selves one wants to keep, and what selves one wants to bin. If I keep only those that make absolute sense and the ones that help me get to a perfected reasoning, then maybe there is hope that my person as a whole will begin to make sense in reality as well.

Aliska is just another role I play. The role of the deep, wounded thinker in a world that will never listen to reason.

I have played so many roles in my life. One once told me that humans were really role-playing animals, and I can't agree more with that point in the end. This whole world is like an ancient Venice ball where people used to dress up and wear those colourful feathered-covered masks... Wearing those feathere-covered masks, people keep dancing at random with one another, and it doesn't matter where their steps lead them, for they can never see beyond each step they take.
Above them stands the 'authority' that pretends to know better, but everything in reality is based on illusions and flawed perceptions.