Splinter in my Heart

Where did the years go?...
My childhood... It was, truly, another life. If I’d known... If I’d known it was never going to last... If I’d known my whole life would be shattered by the time I hit 17... If I’d known... I would have appreciated my time then.

But I was convinced it would never change! I was certain that my boring, safe routine would last forever, somehow... Now all that I have left are memories.

You can never go back.

I used to be a French speaking girl growing up in Paris... My Paris, my city, my love. Now look at me, only writing in English and forgetting everything else! I no longer feel as though I belong anywhere. I feel quite detached from the nationality spelled out on my passport. It says that I’m French, so I must be, but everything in my life has taken the consistency of a fading mist. It hurts.

I just don’t understand what it is I’m supposed to understand in life. I really don’t. The only person who was able to describe the inner pain that twists my heart was Baudelaire. He died centuries ago... Le spleen de Paris.

Growing up, I dreamed that one day I would meet like-minded people, tortured creatures who understood the pain of living as I experience it day in, day out. Years passed and I met no one. Some people are destined to be alone, and when I talk about destiny I suppose I take into account the way one’s personality plays a role in fulfilling that destiny. I’ve grown too weird and scarred now not to suspect that I’m myself ensuring that I remain alone.

So while ‘fate’ is leading me down a lonely path, I tend to reinforce that direction myself. In that sense I can see how it is said to be impossible to cheat fate, no matter how you look at it. Destiny is what has already taken into account everything you will have done, but at the time of acting you could not have a clue. If one could take a bird’s eye view of life, they would see the complete picture and realise that while one felt free to choose, the bigger picture was already drawn, and I guess that blurs the lines between past, present and future for good.

Whatever seems to happen now is both passed and to come in the greater scheme of Time. The smaller the entity, the more broken down the spectrum of Time will appear. The more perspective you can gather, the more likely you are to realise that Time is all times blurred into one.


Ah, childhood... when did you leave me? I was so very afraid of losing you I never saw in time that you’d already left me!