Honestly

I left some of my old life behind, but not all of it.

This is very important to note. I think. Maybe. I have to say a lot of things in this world have become difficult for me to assess in any way, shape or form.

I wish the people closest to me would tell me in my face that what I do is not good enough. I wish they would tell me I'm wasting my time so I can find a reason to leave it all behind.

All as in... reality as society shapes it, you know. Those STUPID rules between people - seriously, why do they exist? Just tonight I got it wrong again "with people"... I went out to meet a few acquaintances I'd met while on a course a few months ago and we'd finally managed to pin down an evening. So far so good, right? Well, except that it felt awkward for the most part, with me finding it really hard to know what to talk about with them. At some point I turned to the woman who had been talking to me about her new business only moments earlier- I thought I could ask her more about that for 'conversation' - but she just snapped at me, saying: "I'd rather not talk about work." And then she looked away, and I was left to look like a moron with only my drink to look down at to pretend I hadn't just been snubbed.

After another moment, I found myself in yet another dreadful social situation where everyone was engrossed in a conversation with their immediate neighbours - except me. I sat there for a split second, just enough time for me to register the fact that I was being left out while the others were in deep conversation that left no room to butt in, and without thinking I got up and walked off to the bar to get another drink (because by then my glass of gin and tonic was empty and I refuse to pretend to be busy by looking at my phone). As I walked off to the bar I suddenly had this strange, slow-motion feeling that I was committing some kind of social faux-pas. By the time I reached the bar my brain told me "Hey, Sarah, you're being really rude by English standards... According to English social rules, you should have bought a round." That meant the socially accepted rule was to ask who else wanted a drink and then buy it for them since I got up first to go back to the bar.

Well. It was too late. I was already at the bar so I got my drink and went back to my seat hoping no one had noticed... after all, they were all engrossed in their own conversations, right? Guess again. As soon as I sat back down with my drink, the woman sitting opposite me got up and made a point to ask everyone at the table (except me, obviously) what they would like to drink before walking off to buy them drinks.

To be absolutely honest about it, I just followed my own logic rather than social expectations:

1) I wasn't really getting on with the people there. They ignored me for the most part and I felt terribly awkward.

2) The only reason people buy other people drinks is because 1) They are rich and they don't care how much they spend, OR 2 ) They are good friends, OR 3) It's for networking purposes

3) None of the options above applied in my case (as far as I can tell anyway) so why should I bother?

So I decided not to care about the faux-pas. I tried to be social despite the gulf that was created between me and the rest of the group after that, and by the time I went to the toilets I saw that one of them had even moved to take my place while I was momentarily away, and that was my cue to leave.

I forget how many social rules I've broken... I keep breaking them and most of the time I don't even mean to. Plight of my life... I'm exactly like the dancer with two left feet, except it's always cute if you're a guy but never so if you're a woman.

For what it's worth, I think social rules only work on people that aren't too logically wired. It's either that or I'm an alien. I don't mind being an alien, but I wish I could find my spaceship and get back home then.