nox animae

I feel like… I feel like Neo when he was still trapped in the Matrix, having to go to work in an office full of drones who always knew he didn’t belong and he was the only one who seemed oblivious to it. The film may not have shown it on screen, but I wonder if Neo as a character would have lied in bed at night, eyes wide open to the ceiling in the dark as he pondered endlessly why he never seemed to fit in anywhere he went. Yet while he spent his time wondering what it was that made him feel like a leper among others, all the others always saw that he simply never belonged and they, themselves, kept him at a distance exactly because they could feel that difference and could not understand why he was acting as though he did not see it for himself. 

“Can’t you see what we see?” the people that form the matrix would probably ask in defiant wonder. “You don’t belong here and yet here you are always pretending that you do, but you can’t fool us. You can’t fool us, though you may have managed to fool yourself.”

Perhaps after another long while spent staring at the ceiling in the dark, asking himself pointless questions pertaining to his sense of alienation within the context he so desperately tried to fit into, he finally came to his senses by starting to look outside the box. By walking away from all that is mainstream and obvious to focus on the in-betweens and all that is overlooked.

In other words, instead of looking at the chair, bed, sofa and desk in the room, he started looking at the space between all these obvious objects we deem part of our reality, wondering: what if, in truth, reality was what lay in the apparent void between all that can be seen? 

But I am not Neo, and I'm falling apart.