Destiny

… I keep asking myself: is this what I wanted? Is this what I wanted to be, and is this what I wanted to do? Is this where I wanted to be, and is this where I want to be heading?

All I know right now  - or what I seem to have come to understand - is that we can either spend our lives ‘drifting with the flow’, passively accepting whatever is randomly thrown at us… or we can go past the fear of the unknown and possible failure to make active decisions to go after what we want rather than just make do with whatever happens to be on our way. Perhaps that’s what Plato’s allegory of the cave was all about in concrete terms?...

It is… about daring to reach for what we take responsibility to achieve (not necessarily only going for what we want), and that takes enormous strength of character. It is much easier to take a backseat as a person and be guided by others, society and random occurrences coming our way. I should know, that’s what I’ve spent my life doing so far.

It was, indeed, always easier to go along with what was already unfolding. Instead of trying to figure out what it is I really wanted to do with my life, instead of playing an active role in the steering of my life directions – instead of being the captain of my own ship – it was much easier to go with the flow and passively play along. In effect, all the crap that falls on me now is my own fault. By choosing not to choose, I chose the way things would be for me anyway. Ironic, isn’t it?

Another painful realisation dawned on me the other day, and this one was pretty shattering... I came to realise that I am not a writer, I simply fancied the idea of being one. This is what happens when we are lost in a world of illusions... it's like living life through a mirror image of life rather than life itself... or like mistaking the shadow of an object for the object itself - see where I'm going with this? I have so far only been able to experience life believing that the shadows I saw were the real deal when clearly they were always only the shadows cast by what I failed to see and yet sought all along.

Anyway, here is where I get stuck: as much as I've come to understand the vital importance of embracing a more active role in one's own life (which seems to revolve a lot around the notion of taking responsibility for oneself and one's own actions from start to finish),  I can't deny that I've been left to feel as though there are bigger forces at play... More peculiarly, perhaps, I've come to notice - and not without much growing pains in the process - that if things are meant to happen, they just will, even just due to such laws as that of continuity. It will just flow, with no need to force events. In other words, as much as we are able to take an active role in our lives, we are still caught in a continuous unfolding of processess whereby everything is bound to unfold the way they are 'meant to unfold', as seamlessly as water trickles down the mountain to join the river... we get stuck and suffer endlessly fighting against that, wishing some things would happen when they were never part of the unfolding process... and I know I'm extremely guilty of that.

I = (X * Y) / X - I

Where Y = ∞ – R

And Y ≥ X

I once saw a sky full of stars… but I was only little at the time, and though I watched the celestial parade in awe, I don’t think I knew just how rare a moment it was to witness