Urban hermit

I find myself not having much to say anymore... it's not like I've stopped thinking 'too much', it's just that every time I attempt to put these thoughts into words I'm struck by the fact that I can never express more than a mere fraction of a bigger whole. It doesn't matter what the thought, idea or theory is about - it can never humanly be expressed in its entirety (in the most depth) because language itself in all its limitations prevents the expression of all the factors, intricacies and other numerous shades of reason involved and needing to be expressed at once for that one single thought, idea or theory to be perfectly whole, complete. What can I say... this realisation is increasingly leading me to favour silence.

And who knows, perhaps it is better to keep silent than forever taking part in incomplete utterance or exchanges of thoughts, understanding and knowledge.

These days I've reverted back to what I like to call a 'sponge state' whereby I'll spend my time soaking up knowledge, influences and experiences through books and research involving minimal social interaction... some might say 'urban hermit' would be a more accurate term to describe my current condition, and I suspect such a state of being or 'lifestyle' isn't such a rarity in cities nowadays. I'm not avoiding interaction with others as such, but will avoid it or at least aim to keep it to a minimum if given the choice.

Why?

Well, part of the reason is similar to a person fasting to cleanse the body. I need to keep away from social interaction to get a clearer sight of myself away from the tremendous amount of modern pressures and expectations. The moment I step into the streets, for instance, I am at once reminded of those pressures as though they had the power to permeate the air itself. Inside my head it feels too much like a million voices are  shouting at once, figuratively speaking - I am extremely self-conscious and therefore the presence of others acts as a terrible drain on my person. I have grown so sensitive to a certain sense of others' consciousness (because of my own heightened self-consciousness, I suppose) that I'll even find myself thinking of a particular person right before they manifest themselves in my life through, say, a phone call or email. If that sounds fun, well it isn't. It is the most emotionally draining 'sense' one could imagine. I find myself pushing that strange sense of awareness linked to others more often than not - pushing it out of me, rejecting it with all my might because otherwise it feels like white noise inside my head, so to speak.

And so in time I found that the more socially involved I was, the more that 'white noise' (spawned by my own unhealthily intense self-consciousness) grew. Similarly, the more I withdraw from social interaction, the quieter, clearer and more peaceful my mind grows.

Perhaps this time of relative social isolation has its purpose - I am much like the convalescent mind, but I could not find out the source of the ill, let alone attempt to cure it, if I remain immerse in the constant noise made not by a community in which I have roots, but a world at large from which I am mostly disconnected in essence.

But then when I think about notions like purpose, I am reminded of just how much better silence is when it comes to trying to explain just how pointless the quest for purpose really is to mankind. By wanting to have a so-called purpose or goal we actually strive towards the basic, primitive animal condition since all other creatures exist solely under Nature's clockwork dictate, each existing with precise, imposed goals to fulfil (mostly defined by so-called basic needs/survival instincts). If you think about it, by shaking our heads in despair, crying: "Oh dear, what is the point of life? What am I meant to do with my life? What is my purpose?!" we are not seeing that having no purpose is what frees us, as crazy as that may sound. It's only the primitive little chimp in us that gets scared of the idea... What this really means or what the ramifications are on a greater scale, I just don't know.