Writer's Block Part II

I feel like a puppet whose strings have been severed, leaving my body slumping to the ground deep below like a broken rag doll... floating away into a netherworld stretching between two realms - society's version of Reality and Reality itself.

I have been made to question whether there is such a thing as too much realism. I went from being intrinsically abstract, idealistic, dreamy and introspective to this person I am now and who I do not know what to make of. I have actually changed so much in the space of 3 years that I can no longer relate to what I wrote in the past, be it in thoughts or in fictional writing. I can't lie to myself, nor can I hide from the fact that I have changed because the writer's block stems from that.

I stare at all my past writings, endlessly wondering: "So that's it, then? All of this never meant anything...It was never me..." Does this mean I might as well burn it all? If I can no longer relate to my writings then it was never really me, or rather it never tapped into the core of I - because if it had, then it would feel more constant and I would still be able to relate no matter how much I changes around the periphery of that core.

Travelling down the river Styx, hopeless shadow of what I once was,

I remember a little girl who would have been good.

I remember the one that should have been and stare at the fraud that took her place,

Reflected in the dark waters of Nowhere.

(Pre-Dive into the Void, Aug. 2006)

If life is about completing 'circles' then this time I may be found leaning over the little boat as I reach out with my hand towards the reflection staring back at me. Whether this move makes the little boat capsize remains to be seen, but even if it does and I find myself drowning, so what?

We cannot 'find' ourselves for there never was anything lost and needing to be found in the first place - everything was always there, but we may not always have been able to see it. If I cannot see then I must train my eyes, inside and out.

I really am pulling a Santiago...