illusions

11/08/08

All that is real cannot complete me, all that is but a dream is also out of reach. I am an illusion or fantasy trapped in a reality-bound body. It does not define my worth or talents, it can only explain the constant sorrow, the deep sense of loneliness amplified even further among others. So in my mind I reach out for love and all that is ideal and perfect, in reality I am confronted with cold materiality and fallible people just like me. I am stubborn and refuse to give in to the world only because part of me is so arrogant...or foolish? I search for purity and enlightenement, but am I worthy enough to find them? Of course not. What would be the odds? Every time I am reminded in real life of the existence of love, which is solely a poor substitute for what we truly need, the pain intensifies so much more than I can bear. Yet I bear it, I do. I wait until the sweet bitterness fades, as it always does in the end- until the next time.

Whatever we do in this life it will never be complete. A family is perhaps the most rewarding path. It leads you back closer to nature and nature is a healer. Did I ever make the conscious choice to run away from nature, from what ought to be, from what is simplest? In such a case it would explain how I happen to truly enjoy the simplest things I see- the trees, the skies, the lights and fading days... I enjoy them so much, as though I felt so far away from them, as though I had somehow lost them... And perhaps I have, hence my fascination to watch them with child-like eyes.

 I ran away from nature one day and lost my way in a haze or mist of thoughts. I found nothing but pain. Nothing but regrets. I was the fool who wanted to be god. I wanted to be the strongest, the most perfect. Above all and the Earth. I wanted to do more and be more. Well, my foolish arrogance is making me pay the price. I feel like a stone taken out of its cave and placed right in the midst of a Babel tower. Its pure whiteness shimmers like gold in the sun but at night and at a closer look it is nothing but dust and rubbles.