The unfolding of processes

My very first blog entry was almost like a catalyst for things to come. It started with a feeling of oppression followed by that of release, or liberation within the mind when suddenly everything I saw, heard, or read rung false. At the time I thought I 'got' it, but I really didn't.

Whatever stage I've reached, it feels by far more strenuous, dangerous and unavoidable. The path of deep introspection is tough. Everything from my first entry was nothing compared to where I'm at now. It is as though I have come to realise that all that I am is based on my own perception of things, and with it comes the experience of what we call reality and the potential release of far greater awareness. A type of awareness that goes far beyond our usual perception of reality.

My obsession with understanding the external along with my own self has led to this realisation that it all starts within. Far from feeling free or at peace, I am at war inside. I have observed and pushed to understand my inner core so much that now I can only stare, helpless, deep into my own abyss.

As I stare into my own abyss, I feel as though I now have two pairs of 'eyes' through which to see and experience the world and even through which to reason. One pair of eyes is linked to Ego, the old self, whose gaze only allows to see as much as I've been able to see or understand until now. This 'old' pair of eyes is besieged with old habits, accumulated flawed or limited perception through the years, and through these eyes is projected the old persona - meaning the physical embodiment of Aliska interacting with the world, which could also be called identity, individual awareness or personality instead of persona. But now there is this other pair of eyes within. And this one... this one can stare directly back at the other pair.

It is like a perfect mirror image within, where the old pair of eyes are confronted with the reflection of another pair of eyes, except it feels nothing like perfection and it certainly doesn't feel 'nice'. It is as though the other, more recent pair of eyes developed unbeknownst to me along the way as I kept digging deep within myself, pushing and pushing... And now all I can say is that I have these two staring back at each other - the old one being the window into Ego, the other being in the infant stage of taking over said Ego. But I can't be sure, of course. All I can really do right now is describe what's going on inside me, no matter how insane it may sound.

I feel mostly as though I'm walking deep inside a dark cave, wishing so much to find light, but all my calls for mercy and help keep drowning in the silence of this seemingly infinite cave... Trapped in darkness, constantly yearning for light. From time to time a faint streak of light beams from one corner and I try to run towards it - but by the time I reach it the faint light has already vanished to leave room only for more treacherous ground that forever seems intent on making me trip over.

As time goes on, the constant falling over inside the cave and the complete lack of light drains me from all my energy, making it harder and harder to get back up on my feet... to the point where I've grown aware that there is now a clear possibility I may never reach the exit from that deep, dark cave within. However there is this other pair of eyes in their infancy now, and it may be that if I can help it or allow it to take over the old one, I might, just might be able to keep going some more - always towards the end of the tunnel. What lies beyond I could not say, though.