System Reboot

I vaguely remember a topic of dissertation I was given in high school. The topic stated something like "Man exists only among other men", please expend. It was the first dissertation topic we were given in philosophy and we'd been allowed to do it at home. I was struck by the fact that a mere few words (man exists only among other men) could inspire so many thoughts in me... the rush of arguments overwhelmed me at once as my mind was inspired to consider the hidden depths and multitude of factors that needed to be taken into account.

When the teacher came back to us with our graded papers, he accused me of cheating, claiming I had to have asked for help, that I couldn't have written it on my own. He only stopped the accusations after I scored just as high during class tests where we'd have to sit for 4h in a row writing a dissertation. In insight, the man didn't know me at all. I'd landed in that school out of the blue for my last year before final exams and the only friend I'd made was a girl who wasn't doing well at all and who was more obsessed about her boyfriend than school work. I had nothing in common with the girl, but for some reason she'd taken a liking to me. She was kind enough to invite me to stay with her and her family over the weekends, and since I was on my own in the city, it felt nice to pretend I wasn't so alone.

That one year spent in Warsaw was so strange... I remember only glimpses, as though in my mind I had decided that the whole year was just a glitch in time, because I would only be there in passing and the only reason for my being there was to finish high school. Even though I kept bunking off certain classes, I still managed to get the highest grades, which felt odd at the time. I had never been the 'best' in school except back in early primary school. The oddest part was that I didn't even feel like I was making a particular effort, and still I kept getting the highest scores. I had been out of the school system for a whole year previously - working in some Mc Donalds, cleaning tables and taking rubbish out - and still I was doing better than all the kids whose lives had unfolded like clockwork.

I was getting the best results in every subject - it was shocking. I kept wondering how dumb must the other kids be if I can do it without much effort at all. Once, I did mess up and got a low mark for an essay in literature, but while I didn't actually mind at all, the teacher was the one apologising to me for having to grade me down. "I'm so sorry Aliska, it's just that you forgot to mention this, and also that, so..."

Hell, that year I even scored the highest in freaking German. But there must have been a reason why I suddenly did so well over a one-year period of my life. And that reason is called: having a purpose, or goal. The fact that I was removed from everything I knew, all on my own with no one to turn to led me to focus absolutely on just that one goal to achieve (finish high school and pass the exams), and I somehow focused on this so much that it led me to do my absolute best without even realising it. Having an absolute goal in mind helps garner that intense focus of mind, and it is also a helpful psychological crutch in the sense that the person can simply lose themselves in it - regardless of the surrounding chaos. As I made my own mind focus solely on a precise goal, all its resources and strengths were channelled in order to meet that goal.

As lovely and powerful the focus born out of intensely focusing on a goal may be, the revert of that is what happens once the goal is achieved. What happens once the mind, which has been made to channel all its energy - to the maximum - towards one particular goal, achieves said goal? I can tell you from first-hand experience what happens. Absolute sense of confusion and loss. As much as the focus and direction feel clear while intently pursuing a particular goal, the achievement of the goal itself leads right back to square one. I experienced it with such force that it led me to a deep state of depression afterwards. As soon as my own absolute goal of the time was reached, no matter how incredibly well I did thanks to the intense mental focus, once it was achieved... the question "and now what?" was the most painful of all.

And that is the slippery slope notions like purpose, or pursuing any particular goal, that I grew incredibly wary of over the years following my experience with 'goals in life'. It only feels good so long as we're in the stage of trying to reach them, but once reached the realisation of 'and now what' is the most painful. It can truly annihilate you inside and out, although one should find the strength to look at it as a learning curve.

But what's the lesson in all this? It doesn't seem so clear or even possible to avoid going through life following one goal after another, but that is perhaps only a man-made conception that precludes us from being able to envision a way of perceiving existence as anything other than ticking boxes on a long list of goals to help pass the time and grant a momentary illusion of purpose.

My 'philosophy' seems to have now become something like this: do and give my best in anything that I do in the moment, while refusing to dwell on where that might lead. This really means a focus away from the future, and doing that really means letting go of such things as ambition, to name but one.

Notions such as success, for example, are driven primarily by desire and ambition, but by allowing to be driven by the latter, one is merely getting caught in yet another pursuit of some goal. The achievement of something that has been pursued as a goal will only get the person back to square one, endlessly seeking another 'goal' to at least elongate or resume the illusion of meaning or purpose to escape the intense despair and confusion left upon reaching a goal in the first place.

So... it's not about having goals in itself that destroys and limits us in the long run - it's our focus on them.

My take so far? Have no goals, no ambitions, no expectation. Let the future, and any notions attached to it remain a complete blank slate. Meanwhile, of course, focus should be placed back on what we do in the moment - always with the intent of doing whatever we are doing now in the best way we can. Giving our whole to the now, and let the rest unfold without any goal in mind. it may be scary not to have the comfort of envisioning where our steps might lead, but it was always just an illusion in the first place.

In other words, it's about a cessation of pursuing any goal whatsoever to allow the now to take us there, wherever that 'where' ends up being (so long as a person gives their whole to each moment, doing or giving their 'best' and not just drifting mindlessly and then being surprised that the 'where' ends up a very bad place to be).