Secondary spectrums are derived from the core one and include all that is done, thought or experienced. In other words, while I can experience, think or do many different things which might differ from other people who may be able to think, act or experience what would be alien to me, all experiences, thoughts and actions can be found on the same spectrum. This means that there is only a fixed number of actions, thoughts and experiences which can exist in reality. That number might not be quantifiable at this time but it must exist. There can be nothing done, thought or experienced that exists outside that said spectrum for all is linked and limited by the core spectrum Gravity-Death.
For instance, actions taken by man to defy gravity are all included with a secondary spectrum, which means that all these actions or thoughts on defying gravity exist in a fixed number and there can be nothing more beyond that number. Finding that the number of thoughts, actions or experiences keep growing only means that the fixed number- the total sum of them all- has yet to be reached. Thus, many things have been done or tried to defy gravity, but they are all within a secondary spectrum, which means that all that is done, thought or experienced always was and always will be but they highlight the limits of reality in the sense that there can be nothing thought, experienced or done beyond that spectrum.
If reality was put into a drawing it would be like a very stiff square box filled with a plethora of vectors constituting what can be thought, experienced or done. Within that same box we would find a set number of events that can happen and nothing beyond.
No wonder I can never truly feel free. I am neck and feet bound to that box that is reality. I am aware of the sheer number of random possibilities that can arise in my own life, depending on which actions, thoughts or experiences I go through, coupled with random events (All of which we shall call vectors moving about or clashing along the spectrum). Yet, no matter how many of these ‘vectors’ are in play I cannot ignore that this means limitation: intrinsic limitation of reality. The less interaction with the outside world, the fewer chances for vectors to shape your life one way or another. Some believe that they are free because they make choices, but those choices stem from random factors/vectors thrown in their wake which they then choose to ignore or follow.
For instance, Female A was born in a middle class family. Birth itself is already a random factor in the sense that there is no control over which family one is born into. Childhood is then grossly controlled by external factors such as the family or guardians. We usually define a person’s ability to choose ‘freely’ at the onset of adulthood, thus Female A would ‘choose’ to either go to university or go straight into a job (these are two vectors I picked among others as an example to keep it simplified). Female A having those two options in her life already suggests that these two vectors were already predominant, or rather they were both random vectors thrown in her wake. She might feel free to snub one option over the other or both, in which case a third vector or more would eventually come her way. If female A went on with her life and met people, she might feel free in her choice to develop a relationship with one person or another but in fact she would only be choosing out of a limited number of vectors depending on chance encounter and perhaps also her previous life choices. In other words, she might feel free despite the fact that her freedom is limited, but if freedom is defined as the absence of limits then the freedom we experience in reality is an illusion.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this, to be honest. My mind is racing with so many thoughts that it proves almost impossible to keep up with them and suddenly I become breathless within my own mind and collapse- the thread of thought is lost into the distance.
Why does it matter? Because I want to be free and I am a prisoner. A prisoner of odds, probabilities, random vectors and gravity. I want to reach outside the limits of reality. No matter what I do, think or try I will always end up on a path made up of vectors within that same core spectrum and its secondary ones. How can I not feel as though life itself was but a giant machine? Just like those role playing books I used to love in my childhood. At the end of every page there would be about three options to choose from and depending on which you chose your character would either live on or fall into a trap. Real life is the same, it’s just that you get more options.
I want to go beyond that.
I need to know if there is another realm than that of reality. Even if it is to find out that there isn’t. I need to keep searching because what is before me is already too predictable in more ways than one, even though I might not ‘know’ the detail, ie: all the vectors precisely or their total number. The latter are what mankind has been living through throughout the ages; what they overlook is that far from ‘pushing’ boundaries, they are merely discovering more vectors along the way. That reality box never expends, only our ability to uncover or understand what is already and always has been within in.
In other words what is or will be always was. We just couldn’t fathom it until then.
Now it makes me wonder about my self. If I can see how limited life in general really is, does it explain my careless attitude, my tendency to let time go by as though I never existed? The truth is that I feel as though I am waiting. Waiting for what exactly is anyone’s guess...
I feel as though I am waiting for something to happen, or perhaps I am waiting for something that is impossible to describe or second-guess. I almost feel at times as though I am waiting to wake up and be alive because this, so far, has not felt like real life, despite all the physical experiences of this world. Can one live a lifelong coma and never wake up? Can you be alive but gone already? Or is it that your eyes saw the light at the end of that tunnel and now walking the path makes you lazy? I look at people working, nurturing a certain social life, having families of their own, getting involved in things of this world and though part of me sometimes envies all this, I already know deep down it will never fulfill me.
Beyond the apparent differences lies complete similarity. Didn’t I always say that I wanted to be more? It would make sense in this case that I should evade vectors of all kinds, even if it means that I shall never really experience reality as most experience it. They go through one path or the other that is confined within the same limited spectrum. While I cannot escape it I choose to stand aside and watch others play along with the odds all the while chanting that they are ‘free’.
I’m waiting for a breach in the machine. I really, really want to see what lies beyond that bloody box.
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