ira is for anger

Once upon a time, there was a world full of contrasts and colors... Now it’s the same everywhere you go, or it soon will be.

And don’t tell me it’s all for peace’s sake because that’s the most aberrant lie of all. It’s all for profit of some sort.
Everything that the world is doing, even when it claims to be ‘helping’, is in the hope of getting something valuable in return.

Nothing makes sense. Not one damn thing.

They keep sighing in wonder over the ‘internet revolution’ and how the world is now better connected than ever - the ‘wondrous’ virtual community... But what it really looks like in the detail is a barnyard of mumbling, screeching and cackling parrots everywhere. People feel that they’re free because they can express every stupidity under the sun and no one is allowed to stop them because of freedom of expression?

If freedom of expression was a person, I would shoot him dead in the head. You think that's violent? It's nowhere near violent enough for something so intrinsically destructive of the mind.

There was always a fine line between repression and freedom, and that line could be crossed through one extreme of either one. This so-called freedom of expression supposedly enjoyed through the medium of that wondrous internet revolution is now little more than a giant bubble of continuous noise. The consequence? Chaos of thoughts and ideas. No one can tell truth from lie because there’s just too much noise and no filter allowed whatsoever. It doesn’t help that a CONTROLLED media was heralded as the Speaker of Truth.

I can’t help but look at people in general these days and be reminded of those geese that are fattened in factories until their liver explodes. Isn’t that what the majority has become? We are so drunk on commodities that we can no longer find the strength to walk away from the poison even if dear life depends on it. We’re rather keep getting our liver fattened till it explodes.

Like geese.

Maybe I’m a freak of nature for a reason. Maybe there would be no reason whatsoever for me to exist if I was supposed to accept everything without ever questioning you and your neighbour.
And myself.

You think it’s crazy to question what thoughts are really yours and which ones aren’t? Think again.

I'll keep questioning everything till I start bleeding from the ears if I have to. Why? Because there is NOTHING ELSE worth doing in your reality.

The problem with people of my weird kind is that we tend to see the light at the end of the tunnel from the start.. We see the greatest things in the distance, and because we are dazzled by it, we often forget to walk the path leading to that light. In my case, I get frightened that I’ll make a wrong move and the light I always see at the end will vanish from sight. And so it is that I dither at a distance from the bright light full of fulfilled dreams and ideals simply because I am dazzled by it before I can even walk up to it.

Because... somehow - and I do not know how -, I have always known everything that mattered deep down... And I lose patience knowing what dwells on the horizon, rebelling against the fact that I still have to walk the path to it.

Every aspect of society is so deeply corrupted... and we are teaching children from the crib to play to the same tune.
I look outside the window and I see the pure blue skies, and what a contrast it creates between its constant splendor and our reality... The sky and its beauties shift from one day to the next, but in essence it has never changed: we keep changing our reality.

As surely as the sun is shinning today, I must be depressed, but I am depressed only because of the world. If I were to see a shrink to talk about my inner pain, their advice would include ‘stop thinking about the world and what you can’t change. Think about your own life and how you can make it better.” They’d remind me that the world is a harsh place and that I’d always be miserable thinking so much about what is wrong. They’d say I could drive myself crazy dwelling on what I can’t possibly change. I would surely say to them: “Fine, I’ll start focusing on my own life to make it better... But I don’t want to be part of this rotten system you all fit into. So what’s your advice for me, doc?”
The shrink would most likely chuckle by then and say something like: “Well, Aliska... You might not like the system but you need to find a way to live in it.”

This, by the way, is the blanket answer that really means you have no choice because you belonged to the system the moment you were born. It also means that you are required by the system to either play the game or turn a blind eye to retain your own sanity. So in the end, the real alternative to my state of intense depression and hurt is to revert back to being ‘blind’... But I was never blind to begin with!

Nah... If I ever was supposed to give in and play the game my own life would not have shaped the way it did.

I would not be the way I am now.

On normality and a faceless world

I feel incredibly sad and peaceful at the same time - is this normal?

But... Normality is just a blanket word to describe a category of people that happens to be in the majority at any given time, really. Change the people in majority and the definition of what ‘normal’ means will also change. So while there must be such a thing as normality, it is but a mere subjective notion linked to whatever number is greater, or stronger. That’s why, for instance, it was considered ‘normal’ for kids to start working before the age of 16 less than a century ago - because the majority adhered to that way of things - but it is no longer considered ‘normal’ today because the new majority is now of a different opinion or adheres to a different set of beliefs.

Some people are born more intelligent than others. Some people are born leaders rather than followers... There has to be a reason why they were born with the gift of intelligence to reason, but instead of using that gift to help humanity they choose to use it for all the wrong purposes. The more I ponder this, the more certain I grow that those who happen to have that intelligence, those who can see clearly the wrongs and still will choose to join in the decadence, are the ones that deserve to be most severely punished. Even more so than the dim-witted criminal who became what he became through the influence of a broken society. Why? Because the weak and the followers were supposed to be rightly influenced by those who happened to be ‘brighter’ or shrewder.


Everything is so fake, these days... Everything seems to have been designed to make you lose the plot. Take my shiny little I Phone, or the internet, or TV, or... Whatever. It’s all - all of it - created for one purpose and one purpose only: for profit of some sort. It’s all about business and making a return on one’s investment. One thing that’s been dying more than any other ideal or moral value has to be love. Why? Because love is free, of course, and not only that, it often works at a deficit. Loving means that you’ll probably end up losing more than you’ll ever receive - that’s why the true notion of love had to be scrapped from the people’s consciousness, to be replaced by blanket words, or business-like mindsets so dry we’ll soon be acting like machines - because machines are devoid of all feelings.

People in the workplace, for instance, are no longer called anything remotely humane - they are assets, or resources, or elements, or even pawns. Isn’t that why such terms as ‘human resources’ were created? Students have become customers paying in exchange for knowledge, and in the end, we’ve all become more dispensable than ever. And that is why we now live in what can only be called a faceless society.

One faceless society for a faceless world.

Thoughts on a Midnight Day

How can every single person be wrong about me?

I don’t know. It is as I said before: it’s not like I can detach part of me from myself to take a look at the way I am with people. On the other hand, there is no denying that the world is getting more rotten by the minute. Maybe what I’m witnessing in general is the gradual degeneration of people in their very nature and it makes me question whether in 50 years time there will still be people with a certain degree of deep knowledge - true knowledge that comes from within...
I look at my generation, and the younger ones, and I see emptiness. I see stupidity heralded as the new intelligence. Whatever we learn, it is halved and more irrelevant than ever; whatever we know, it is half what people used to know... I could go on and on. One feeling that never leaves me is that of having been robbed of the opportunity to know so much more than what I know so far - about things that truly matter, and not the useless kind used to fill brain space... And always it puzzles me to think that 2000 years ago, if not even further back in time, people who supposedly lived in shacks could come up with such brilliant logical reasoning and mathematical discoveries, for instance, but today not one person can do that.

That's why I doubt history. How can history make sense when one looks at our evolution? We were smarter, more creative and wiser at a time when candles were the norm. We are dumber, emptier and more deluded while living immersed in so-called advanced technology. It makes NO sense whatsoever.

Maybe I’m wrong... Tell me that I’m wrong, it would at least give me hope.

These days, everything is about a ‘new’ something. A new trend, a new era, a new technology, a new way of thinking, a new art, a new... world.

People have a tendency to want to fix what was never broken in the first place. I’m just looking around me and I don’t like what I see. It disturbs me greatly, that direction this ‘new world’ has taken - and we don’t know where we’re heading yet.

I just want to cry till I’m blue in the face. Why is this world always so cold?... We make it cold when it could be so warm... We spoil everything and then come up with the most charming of ideals... but these ideals are only far-fetched because we prefer to destroy things. It’s always a matter of choice, it always was, always will be. I know that, you choose to ignore it.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if I’m not really caught in some computer game where I’m the only real person and everyone else is part of a simulation... Why not? There is such a stark contrast between my own life, the way I think, and that of others around me that I can’t help thinking such silly things.

It might just be that nature spawns people like me for others to indulge in hurting them... I’m like some kind of Christmas present for mean people. I wonder what keeps me from not simply jumping out the window, to be completely honest. Knowing my luck, I’d probably end up paralysed rather than dead. I don’t live so far off the ground. Three floors are unlikely to kill you unless you happen to land straight on your head, or something. Maybe if I dived I’d pull it off. Not that I'd try, mind you.

Is it okay to just shoot a few idiots, just to unwind? I’d only shoot idiots, and since the world is full of fucking idiots who think they’re all that, no one would notice their absence.
I hate the world and its freaking neighbour. I hate people, I hate you and I hate everything else.

How come I am in love with the ideal of humanity?

I have no land, no wants, no roots. I am truly free to do as I please and though I am afraid at times, I know I have it in me to always challenge the fear. I’m like the wind blowing here and there, and never for too long. I am the ancient cliff slowly eroded by swelling waves.

We live under the illusion that human life is supposed to be enjoyable, for some reason. We live under the illusion that the aim would be to enjoy ourselves and forget about the rest. That is an illusion we created for ourselves, and it is not far off from being a major delusion. Even the rich don’t find peace or fulfillment, just as the poor or the outcast never seem to find an end to their suffering and struggles.

We imprison our own selves in bubbles of delusions we then pass on to our children as Truth. And the circle of lies only keeps growing.

The so-called study of history is proof of how capable we are of twisting things. What is true about history? What isn’t but a mere reflection of someone else’s view at a time and place where that person was of enough influence to impose it? History is being reshaped every day, and the truth itself drowns further into oblivion along with the dead who can no longer speak.

Truth dies the same way an old man lying on his deathbed with tubes down his throat preventing him from speaking tries to say something. He gargles a few times, people lean closer with puzzled looks. They eventually pat his sweating head and smile down on him. The old man dies with words lost in his throat forever.

That is exactly what happens to Truth.

Selves

Things that we say sometimes we don't mean. I want to be able to only express what I mean absolutely, but I get struck by the variants of my self. Each will take turn, it seems, to stress on a certain angle or perspective, or flawed perception at a time... I is not one, but so many faces at once.

I just wish I could keep only the ones that make sense, and rid myself of all the others.

Maybe the problem is that I saw and understood too much, too soon. It makes me feel as though I am 98 in my head... I do feel very old in my heart. Maybe I should have learned to pace myself... as though that were ever an option!

Oh, to be free, even for a moment... I wonder when the shift occurred in my head - when I suddenly began not to care about society’s expectations and contradicting rules on me. I used to live for others, so to speak, which means, roughly, that everything I ever wanted to do was mostly linked to that need for acceptance among my peers. In that light, whatever job I wanted to do was always linked to: 1) answering a social expectation dictating that such and such jobs are to be sought after, and 2) the conditioned belief that the settings and rules that make up the reality I live in are the only ones possible, if not the ‘better’ alternative.

Now that I’ve questioned quite a few social dogmas, I realise what a prison we live in, and though I can reject false values and the pointless race for more materiality, I don’t seem able to figure out a way out. Why? Because it ain’t so easy to break out of jail, is it?

This is one thing that made me bitterly laugh some time ago: how on the one hand, you get so-called scientists (which should really be called wannabe gods) telling us how people born these days into the western world will get to live a hundred years... Woohoo, right? Isn’t that fantastic?... On the other hand, society doesn’t know what to do with its older generations - you know, the pensioners who are losing their pensions. So governments are hard at work to tackle the pensions problem, you see, and the budget deficit and all that, and so they look into how much more money they can take from the common man. They don’t once stop to question their corrupted system, though.

They don’t once stop to think: “Okay... Hang on a minute... Do I really need, as a PM or government bitch, to get xxx amount of money a year, and three cars, and three houses, plus one in some exotic island?”

Nope. They don’t ask themselves that question. They care only that the population gives them enough money to support us all while the black hole of deficit must come from corrupted ways whereby a few keep helping themselves. They don’t stop to think that beyond the issue of corruption, there is also the reality of choosing not to be so greedy in terms of technologies... But... Isn’t it too late, anyway? Our generations alive today are hooked on comfort and easy ways, and not one is ready to make the ultimate sacrifice of reverting back - or at least slow down so the shadow of a social balance is naturally restored over time.

Science and technology are the answers to everything, suddenly, and we don’t seem able to think outside the box, as usual. Perhaps it is that two hundred years ago most people were wearing the blinkers of religion that turned scientists and researchers into witches, but I ask you: what’s changed today apart from a reversal of roles?

Scientists and researchers have become the saviors, the ultimate means to enlightenment, I suppose, while all other options or lines of thought are relegated to the back. In the end, we are not very advanced at all. The landscape seems to be more advanced, but no matter what we do, all that truly ever changes is the viewpoint of a majority.

If what we are taught in history is remotely true, then capitalism was a ghost waiting to be brought to life. The timeline of history itself shows that almost every step mankind took was wired toward that ghost, culminating to our modern days where capitalism is once and for all alive. To get rid of it, chaos would be needed for a time. It is always the case, no matter how we look at it. Shifts and social changes, especially abrupt or profound ones, lead first to chaos before a rebuilding phase can ensue, and that breaks my heart. I already know who is always going to suffer the most: not the greedy, and not the corrupt, but the common man. The little people.

Anyway... What do I know? To know anything these days, you either need to be branded an expert in whatever field, or to have studied x amount of subjects. Common sense and logic don’t even have to come into the equation because all you really need to prove your point is a majority agreeing with you.

Fact.

Drifts of thoughts

The inherent unfairness of life... I still don’t understand how there can even be one person wishing harm on another. This is not a question of naivety on my part, it is purely based on my inability to fathom how one could ever hurt another. Some people say that when you suffer greatly in your childhood, it can lead you to display urges for revenge through wicked actions later in life, but I don’t believe in this. It’s a mere excuse. And then I keep wondering: who was the first corrupted man on Earth? Someone must have turned bad and begun the vicious circle, which over time was bound to grow and take over the world.

Either you are human, or you are not; your actions speak for themselves, hence the belief I have that very few people out there qualify as humans. They are primates with human potential, but they are not yet true human beings. Perhaps they forgot to collect a conscience on the way out of the womb, who knows... It’s tough for me to see any sense in violence or planned harm on others, or even perverted actions ( be it murder, rape, war...), and I guess it’s not so different from comparing it to this: say one likes peppers but you don’t. Isn’t it hard for you to understand the appeal the other finds in peppers when the taste makes you heave?

I’ve never liked Voltaire - it always pained me to have to admit that he still wrote great things. I forever preferred Rousseau because when he wrote, whether he was right or not, you can tell his heart was in it. Reading him, especially his Confessions, feels like diving into his inner heart, because he wrote with it. Because all that matters is that you wrote with your heart. Knowing truly what you’re writing about... I don’t know. Maybe I just really know nothing.

Sometimes, I feel like facing people on a one to one basis, look into their eyes, and beyond words make them understand that life is about MORE than glorified titles we grant each other, or peer acceptance. It’s about Truth. Truth to the self, truth to the world...

I suppose it is that idealist core of mine working against me at times. I keep hanging on to that hope that people can change, somehow. That I’m seeing more than there is. That surely people can’t be that bad. Right. If I carried on in that line of thought, the world would really be a peaceful place, and murderers, liars and corrupted monsters for instance, would be a figment of the imagination, because surely people can’t be that bad. If the world were as I picture it or will it in my mind, it would be Utopia.

It isn’t.

And I have to learn to live with that reality.

And writing this makes me question, yet again, how comes I was born with such deluded hopes.
But delusions... are mindless people’s opium. My delusions are really about what ought to have been in a world worth living in.

I could not put it any other way.