Fake

As I train myself to let go and remain neutral inside, I find the distance between me and people around me only growing further. But it's not people, it's me. Every single person I know seems to have hobbies, things they like to do, favourites, dreams, desires that are often widely found among people, making it easier, in a way, for them to bond with one another. These hobbies, favourite things, 'interests' or dreams make it possible for them to fit in more often than not because all these hobbies, favourite things and 'interests' repeat themselves randomly across the world. After all, we're part of the same species, and though we like to claim differences, we are mostly similar in essence. Even the need to feel different is part of a common human trait that can be found across the world in various people.

Depending on the pool of integrated 'interests', hobbies, preferences and desires a person has, it turns out easier or harder to make 'friends' and integrate within a group. The more generic the likes and preferences, the more likely the person will find themselves integrated within a larger group, whereas the more 'niche' the list of interests and hobbies, the more difficult it will be to find others sharing the same sort of niche list of interests and hobbies.

Well, that's nothing new. Being more like the majority means getting on easier with most because you share a lot in common with a lot of people.

I've realised for myself that I've grown rather empty already. There is nothing about me remotely attractive for any regular person out there. I mean really. I have no hobbies, no strong preferences in anything, no strong interests... nothing. I could sit in that chair just thinking all day and it would be enough for me. Sometimes I think about what I could do or try, but there is never a strive strong enough to make me want to bother. I'm like a blank slate inside that just doesn't 'take' in when it comes to further adorn my identity with composite elements such as likes and dislikes, interests etc.

I can be interested, of course, especially if it's something entirely new to me, but nothing ever seems to become a part of who I am, or that could ever define me.

I noticed that a long time ago, but until now I was never able to fully realise it for myself. You know how people will define themselves through the things they like and don't like, be it in a conversation or online? I remember once when I was still at university, I started going out with a few popular people in my year. One day, I ended up sitting in a pub with a couple of guys from that group of popular folks, and as I sat there wondering what the hell I'd talk to them about, one of them simply started asking me about my likes.

"So what kind of music you listen to?" asked one guy. I looked at him for a moment as I racked my brain for an answer... nothing sprung to mind in terms of 'favourite' because I liked way too many things without any particular preference for one or the other. I just enjoyed almost every genre rather equally for different reasons. As I looked at him, I picked my answer from the pool of all the types of music I liked without any higher degree of preference according to what I knew would probably fit it with his own high favourites. So I replied: "Radiohead, Kings of Leon...that sort of thing." And the guys nodded in approval at once, especially at the mention of Radiohead.

Depending on who is in front of me, I seem to adapt to what their bundle of interests is. It's often easy because while I have no strong preference in anything, I usually appreciate almost everything without any particular bias or strong interest, so I just pick whatever would fit with whoever is in front of me whose identity is just based on a bundle of strong preferences.

But what does that make of me? It means that every time I make 'friends' I'm actually playing a different role each time 'tailored' to a particular person... and it probably explains why I've ended up with a few friends, but all of them usually completely different from one another - so much so that I can never really gather a group of friends because they would be way too different from each other to get along or even relate.

For a long time, I used to accuse most people of being 'fake', but it was always me. Most people are at least consistent in terms of their core identity. They have a fixed set of likes and dislikes that can expend or retract over time, whereas I happen to be so open-minded that I have lost, or never really had, the capacity to be selective to create a core identity for myself, and I don't think that's a bad thing at all... it's just that this realisation makes all the difference now, because it finally sheds light on a lot of things at once for myself.

So whenever someone approaches me, I'll be tailoring myself according to them because most people are really just a bundle of likes and dislikes, preferences and interests, while I don't usually prefer anything, I can just like a lot of things equally for different reasons, and none of it is ever assimilated deeply to my own person, leaving me somewhat like a blank slate that I can construct in a certain way just to match another person's bundle of likes and dislikes, preference and interests.

Hence my inability to truly 'fit in'... because every time my core personality is just a made up 'doll' according to who's in front of me.

I have... no so-called personality. I'm just a rough outline upon which layers of interests and preferences can be loaded randomly depending on both my environment and the type of person I interact with. But as soon as I'm away from it, the layers vanish leaving me back with the rough outline that presents no strong interest for any particular thing.

Nowadays, I can't help perceiving people more like 'bundles' than 'real' people. It's hard to explain... it's like I've grown too aware of how much people build up their sense of identity like lego blocks in terms of defining themselves based on the things they like or don't like, their hobbies and interests. It seems to be needed to fit in within a group or society in general just to bond with others and create relationships, so I'm not saying it's bad. I just can't relate.

So long the idea of belonging, fitting in with what I never was in the first place.