Lost

Sitting in the dark, with only the light of a flickering candle to pierce the darkness... but there is no light within, only obscurity.

I feel absolutely empty, and not even words sound accurate enough anymore. Like a metronome, I still carry my self from place to place, I smile when prompted, I speak up when asked a question... but death is what I feel inside. Complete and utter emptiness within.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the elevator's mirror at work this afternoon, and for the first time in my life I saw the emptiness reflected in my very eyes. It's hard to explain, but it was there, staring back at me with a void and sadness no word can fully describe.

Even words no longer ring true... Nothing rings true anymore, and when I look at people in the street, as I stand against a wall for a cigarette, it all looks unreal. Just metronomes shaped in the form of human beings passing me by in a hurry.

God I feel so dead inside.

I feel like a puppet on strings who no longer cares to know what happens if the strings break. Everything feels so unreal... The world may be big, but I can't feel it. It feels like being trapped inside one of those snow globes they sell in gift shops.

I've been trying to drown my sorrows in various alcohols, but when it's not the pounding headaches gripping my mind, it's the intense waves of paranoia waking me up at night in a sweat.

I don't know what happened... something just snapped again out of the blue inside my head, except the inner bleeding feels like it's situated inside my chest, so heavy and painful.

I just want to be my self? It very recently occurred to me that I've never been my self, especially in instances when I thought I was.

I have never been my self.

I've tried and tried to find my self, let the 'true' self come through, but the more I tried, the more confused I grew, till only darkness started pouring out of me.

I have seen some seriously DARK sides within me. Disgusting, revolting, shameful... and for a time I embraced all those sides, each time thinking they made me 'I'.

But I was wrong...

There was never any self in the first place. Yet most of the world imposes the notion that it does exist, enslaving us to the useless pursuit of something that never was. But even as one realises that there is no such thing as a self, they have to face the emptiness.

I no longer want to find 'I' because the notion of 'I' has been toying with me for too long. I just want to let go of everything...

But if I let go of everything, even the futile attempt at finding 'I', then what will be left except complete emptiness? I don't know. But I've already reached a very scary stage...

I feel so awful inside... There are no words. I wish I could just plunge a hand inside my chest and remove whatever twisting rot is burning me from within.

And my eyes... they look so dead and empty now.

This can't be right... From self-awareness, which all human beings experience more or less, to the annihilation of Ego... for what?

How does it make sense to start off existence with the development of self-awareness only to need to destroy the Ego that feeds off and grow from the self-aware stage?