That heavy load of clutter called thoughts won’t shift... My head is in a terrible fog right now. Is there no end to that feeling of intense confusion?... I crave a mere moment of clarity that never seems to come my way. Everything is always like an endless whirlwind of chaotic thoughts and I’m exhausted.

I guess it was good that today happened to be a busy day. I had to leave the house early for some meeting and then had four hours to kill before the next lecture. I spent it with a girl in my year and together we did some revisions. What struck me is how peaceful it felt to be sitting next to somebody who didn’t expect you to pretend to be something you’re not. She’s the quiet type who never boasts about anything in particular as so many people I know like to do.

The thing is... I don’t know how I got to the point where I feel like my head is about to crack open like an egg. The only thing that keeps me going, it seems, is the thought that it will soon be over. Once I’m done with all my exams, I keep deluding myself that I will finally be free, but what really weighs on me like a ton of lead is the gut feeling I have that I’ll always be a prisoner of the machine.
I was reading 1984 the other day instead of reading stuff for my exams. The end of that book left me with a profound feeling of dejection. Not even Winston could beat the machine, and that thought keeps dancing in my head.

Another thing that makes me sad, in a way, is the inner knowledge I have that I have reached the end of the road as far as the Dive is concerned. I have written everything that mattered to me in all the possible ways I could think of and yet words are only what they are: words.
Carrying on would make no sense because there is one thing I’ve noticed, and it’s that I keep going around in circles. Until I break that cycle, I can’t see a point in adding any more thoughts.
People don’t understand what it means to think too much, but I do. I really do, to the point where I sometimes question my sanity. Not being able to stop questioning every single thing, always having your mind buzzing with thoughts when in reality the whole of this world is built on delusions and lies. I keep seeing past the veil of delusions, but I’m trapped. What good is it to be able to see when you can’t change a thing? All it does is make you more depressed. In that sense, the machine wins again.